Brace yourself for the exceptional pleasure of seeing a stubborn ex brought to their knees. This isn’t about retribution; it’s about reclaiming your power and finally putting an end to that remaining connection. In the turbulent dance of relationships, words are a powerful weapon. They have the power to heal, to sting, and, in some instances, to flip the narrative entirely. Here we present you with twenty-two biting retorts so cunning, so devastating; they will send your ex crawling, begging for a breakup.
The Classics
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“There are [opposite pick-up lines], actually. Like, ‘We need to talk or ‘It’s not you. It’s me’. Definitely break up lines.”
The No-Nonsense Approach
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“I’m a big fan of ‘you don’t mean anything to me anymore. There is no emotional connection to you’.”
Ouch.
When Things Feel In The Family
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“One ex told me I’d become more like a brother to her than a lover. Talk about an iron fist in a velvet glove.”
Unsubscribe
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“This was actually said to me. What made it worse is that we would make that joke during the relationship, like if I mentioned I liked a food that he didn’t like, he would say ‘unsubscribe’ and vice versa.”
The Demetri Martin Approach
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“‘Are you being followed? Because I’m seeing other people behind your back.’ – Demetri Martin.”
“I felt genuine mild shock with how clever this was.”
Rewind
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“I want us to go back to being what we were at the beginning: total strangers.”
“Some famous person once said: ‘I wish we were better strangers.'”
The Astronomical Approach
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“‘Girl, are you the sun? Because you need to stay 93 million miles away from me.’ Scoots away on Lightning McQueen scooter.”
The Biblical Approach
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“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because I think you might be the Devil.”
The Reverse Welcome
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“Dear baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”
This answer came up a LOT.
Poetic Lines
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“Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s not me, it’s definitely you.”
“Roses are red, violets blue, and sugar is sweet, just like you. But roses are wilting, the violets are dead, and the sugar bowl is empty, just like your head.”
The Geographical Approach
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“We must be Nordic cuz we’re Finnish’d.”
Take a bow, sir.
When The Big Guy Steps In
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“Actual breakup line said to me: ‘I asked God to take away my feelings for you. And he did.’
Hard to argue against that…”
The Chowder Approach
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“My favorite was from an episode of Chowder: Panini: ‘See this?’ waves hands in the empty air ‘It’s my space. I need it.’”
Go Botanical
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“This isn’t sprouting into a long-term relationship, I think it’s time I make like a tree and leaf.”
“If I was a plant, and your attention was water, I’d be dead.”
Did It Hurt?
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“Me- Did it hurt… Her-? Me- when you fell from heaven and wrecked my whole life?”
Wow.
The Honeymoon is Over
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“‘I’m having doubts about the relationship and I think we should just be friends now that we’re out of the honeymoon phase…’
My ex said this to me when he broke up with me the day before I left to go home for my mom’s birthday weekend and 3 months after pressuring me to lose our virginities to each other.”
The Celebrity Approach
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“Babe, I took some courses on Mindvalley, and the word ‘conscious uncoupling’ really resonates with me…”
Hey. It worked for Chris and Gwyneth. *shrugs*
Get Nostalgic
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“Remember what it was like before we met when our lives weren’t connected, and we were total strangers?
Ahhhh, the golden days…”
Trick Them Out The Door
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“When you are out together, look them in the eyes and ask them seductively if ‘they’d like to get out of here and go somewhere more private?’.
When they get up to go, close the door behind them.”
The Anti-Proposal
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“Get down on one knee, pull out a small box, say, ‘We’ve been together for two years now and I’ve got to say, these past two years have been the worst years of my life,’ open the box, it’s empty.”
Guys, please don’t do this.
The Cliché
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“‘I’m going to the store for some bread and milk.’ (never seen again).”
The Paul Simon Approach
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“You just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You don’t need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus, Gus. You don’t need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee. And get yourself free.”
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