OP’s brother, Jake, transitioned from female to male three years ago. OP entirely supports Jake’s transition and has asked him to be a part of her wedding party as a “bridesman.” However, Jake is reluctant to stand with the bridesmaids as he fears people will think he is still a girl. He believes he should stand on OP’s fiancé’s side as a groomsman instead. OP disagrees with Jake’s reasoning and wants him to stand by her as initially planned.
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The Background
OP explains to Jake that it wouldn’t make sense for him to stand by her fiancé because they don’t have a close relationship, and her fiancé already has enough groomsmen. Moreover, Jake is OP’s brother, and she wants him to support her on her big day. Before Jake’s transition, OP had always planned to include him in her wedding, so she doesn’t understand why his gender should change that.
Jake and OP argue back and forth for a while, with Jake accusing OP of still seeing him as a girl. OP insists she sees him as a man and wants him to stand by her. Eventually, OP tells Jake that he cannot be at the wedding party if he refuses to stand with her. Jake responds by calling OP names, leaving OP feeling awful.
Despite the argument, OP clarifies in an edit that Jake is still invited to the wedding as a guest. However, she has told him that he cannot be in the wedding party if he won’t stand with the bridesmaids.
OP is Being Reasonable
Most of the thread is willing to see that OP is acting very reasonably and believes that her brother is overreacting:
“NTA, you aren’t telling him he has to restrict how he dresses or making him dress like a gender he isn’t – this has no element of transphobia; he can be the bridesMAN he actually is.
I always think it’s weird when people stand on the opposite person’s side to keep genders separated. He’s a brides’ man, and he’s your bro.
But if you’re from an area where that’s super weird, I can kinda get where he’s coming from.”
This Redditor makes some excellent points that many of the threads agree with. Firstly, OP is not insisting her brother has to wear anything in particular. He is still free to wear whatever he likes.
The key stipulation is that he will stand on OP’s side of the aisle. This is a very simple request, as he is her brother. This writer thinks it is very strange that this is what OP is taking offense to. There would be no reason to suggest that the brother is not a man just because he is on her brother’s side of the ceremony. This Redditor tries somewhat to understand OP’s brother’s side of the story but ultimately believes that he is in the wrong on this occasion.
The Brother Has Ongoing Issues
It appears to be evident in a section of the thread that OP’s brother has some issues getting through:
“Agreed. Interestingly, I (male) was my best friend’s (female) man of honor at her wedding, and the husband’s sister was his.
It seems like the dude has a lot of processing to do on masculinity and femininity. He isn’t less of a dude for being on the bride’s side. But his reaction towards it shows there’s still a lot of processing (and maybe a bit of internalized patriarchy) running deep within him.”
This Redditor suggests that the brother is being very much unreasonable in their response. Their argument for not wanting to stand on OP’s side is largely unfounded and nonsensical. In this case, it is most probable that the brother has some underlying issues that they must resolve.
Moving from one gender to another is fraught with mental stress. The brother is likely overly anxious about the possibility of being humiliated or called a woman for any reason, no matter how unlikely.
HIS MORAL STAND AGAINST DISCRIMINATION LEFT HIS FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW REFUSING TO ATTEND HIS WEDDING.
Source: Reddit