Single parents, the world over, know what it feels like to care for a child all by themselves. They know down to the penny what they’d pay for a few hours of quiet, knowing their baby is cared for, so they can take a shower and maybe even a nap.
When you’re married, however, and still feel like a single parent because your partner checks out, that’s a whole different ballgame, and we’re here for the comments.
Single Parenthood
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“Alexis” is twenty-seven, and her husband, “Mark,” is twenty-nine. Alexis says that her husband was super excited and involved while she was pregnant. Unfortunately, since their son, “Silas,” was born, Mark hasn’t been as involved. It’s so bad for Alexis that Mark comes in from work and goes straight to his office, shutting the door and ‘hiding’ until Silas is ready for bed.
Father and Son
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While Mark does, ‘on occasion,’ play with Silas or change a diaper if Alexis is busy, she admits she’s exhausted as Mark rarely helps her during the week. She hopes to convince him to help out more during his weekends, but she has not had any luck.
Mark’s Excuses
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Alexis Admits that Mark has a high-stress job and that during the week, she understands that he holes up in his office because of his work. So, she gave up asking for his help during the week. But she doesn’t appreciate his disappearing from 5 AM to 5 PM every Saturday and Sunday to play golf.
As a new first-time mother, she’s exhausted and wants some help on either Saturday or Sunday to have some time to herself to take a nap. She also relays that Mark could be home much sooner on the weekends, but he considers hanging out with his buddies a the club and drinking as part of his ‘golfing.’
Under-Appreciated
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When Alexis tried to speak to him about picking one of his weekend days to golf and helping her out on the ‘off’ day, Mark got “very upset and said he needs both days to relax and destress.” Alexis was hurt because he didn’t see how much work she did daily.
Bonding
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Our first contributor quickly told Alexis her husband needed a cold dose of reality. “Your husband hasn’t bonded because he’s done ZERO care-taking, and that’s the dad’s way to bond. Not only that, he is disparaging the work you do and belittling your need for time off.
It is dire, and tell him that unless he starts pulling his EQUAL weight, you will insist on counseling or worse. He NEEDS to be left alone with his child for an entire day WITH a list of chores to get done (whatever you usually do in a day).”
Baby on Board
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Another participant thought Mark would do wonders for Alexis by letting his son tag along. “When he arrives home tonight and goes into his office and closes the door, open the door, put the baby in his carrier on his desk, and leave. Leave the house immediately. Don’t discuss. (Millions of people work at home and still manage to parent. He’s capable of it, too.) And when he does start talking, tell him he’s welcome to golf each Saturday and Sunday, but he is now doing it with baby in a car seat in the golf cart.”
Shameful
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Someone thought a bit of public shaming would get Alexis’ point across. “Not good enough. In your shoes, I’d be driving the kid to the golf course, marching onto the golf course with the kid in the stroller, and leaving the kid with him. Full stop. Warn him that you’ll do this, that you have no qualms about embarrassing him in front of his buddies because his actions are shameful. He’s a father first, not a golfer first!”
Previous Behavior
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One individual wanted to know if Mark has always golfed on the weekends or if this is a new behavior. “Have you considered the possibility of him cheating? That’s what I would think, but I don’t have any experience in situations like these. Just because he was so involved at the beginning and now isn’t and golfs all day on the weekends. Did he do that before, too?”
Unpleasant
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One user was quick to diagnose their theory of Mark’s sudden absence. “I think the answer is pee, poop, puke, crying, and not sleeping.
None of those is a problem when your wife is pregnant. He didn’t have the morning sickness, the swollen ankles, having to pee every ten minutes, hemorrhoids, labor pains, and delivery.
Now he has to deal with something unpleasant and decides it’s not for him. Don’t let him get away with it.”
Mini Vacation
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Another person thought a mini vacation was a great idea. If you really want to make a point, leave him with the baby and check yourself into a hotel for a few days. It really gets the point across.”
A Little Understanding
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One woman wrote a script for Alexis that included a heavy dose of asking for understanding. “Sit him down. Tell him, ‘Do you want your son to know his father? You’re never around. He will never bond with you unless you start spending time with him. Beyond that, I feel extremely neglected and like a single parent. I understand you need time to relax, but don’t I deserve that too? I’ve been with the baby 24/7; I am taking a day off on Saturday, and you are caring for our son. Please understand that I am exhausted, and I can’t do this all by myself. You need to start parenting the son you helped create.'”
Answer Back
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Alexis replied, “I probably should address it like that, but he sometimes acts like a martyr, and I don’t have the energy to fight with him. Someone else suggested I list everything I do to help him see how much I’m doing. If I presented him with the list and then told him something similar to what you typed, it would help.”
Manipulation Tactic
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One observant participant called out Mark’s manipulative actions. “Acting like a martyr is his way of getting out of work. It’s a manipulation tactic. It would help if you got mean with him. Hand him the baby on Saturday night, tell him you’re going to your friend’s house, and DISAPPEAR until late Sunday afternoon.”
Dumping the Problem
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“I know you’re saying you need to trust him to do it properly, but are you talking from a lack of skill or neglectful standpoint? If he’s the former, the only way to teach him in a way that will stick is to dump him mercilessly in the deep end and let him figure it out. There are many YouTube videos if he doesn’t know how to do something.
If he’s the latter, why on EARTH would you still want to be married to him?”
Say What?
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When Alexis posted this comment, people had plenty to say. “Mainly, it’s his lack of skill. I think our son would be fine overall. I know he needs to learn this stuff, but the idea of just handing my baby off like that worries me.”
Serious Issues
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Someone pointed out the obvious. “Handing your baby off?! You’re talking like you’re giving the baby to a stranger or a babysitter. That’s his DAD. If you feel uncomfortable handing your baby over to his dad, serious problems exist. Did you discuss this before deciding to get pregnant? Every dad should learn and know the basics before the baby is born, then be around to practice. He’s not doing his job as a parent.”
Best to Start
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One person admonished Alexis to get started. “You gotta do it now, or you never will. You will have to force yourself to allow others to care for your son in the future. This step is the best place to start, even if his dad is being lazy.”
He Knows
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“He knows what you’re doing and knows it’s a lot of work. He doesn’t want to do it; otherwise, he’d be okay with doing it. None of this results from not knowing how hard it is for you. He knows.”
Regardless
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“Is your husband trying to make raising a child more ‘enjoyable’ for you? Your husband either steps up to being a father, regardless of whether it’s ‘enjoyable’ or not, regardless of whether he’s tired or not, or you divorce him. It’s that simple.”
Practice Makes Habit
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“But how did you learn to do all this by practicing and trying different things until you figured out what works? What makes you think he can’t use the exact steps you did?”
Never Easy
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Parenting is never easy, even if you have a calm and simple baby. Sleepless nights, near-constant diaper changes, bathing, and feeding can wear out even the happiest parent. When dealing with a partner who seems aloof and uninterested in parenting, however, it can double down on the work the other parent has to take on.
Good Counsel
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Add in postpartum recovery and quickly throw a parent into postpartum depression. It was clear to several forum participants that Alexis and Mark needed counseling to help them communicate their needs and desires to each other without it blowing up in a bad way; whether or not they’ll work it out, though, remains to be seen.
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