Raising children is never easy; for all our love, they eventually have to make their own way in the world. Children who suffer from autism, anxiety, sensory overload, etc., have an even harder time learning to handle difficult situations. Being a parent can be even more difficult when raising children with emotional or social restrictions, as one woman is finding out.
Safe Space
A woman we’ll refer to as Kaitlyn has a young daughter named Ivy. Ivy suffers from ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and is especially sensitive to loud noises. Hand dryers in public bathrooms are particularly triggering for Ivy. Whenever Ivy has to use the public bathroom, Kaitlyn goes with her, helping to facilitate a smooth process.
The Ask
Kaitlyn says that Ivy loves the library. It’s a quiet place where she can learn and explore in a setting that doesn’t inflate her anxiety. On a recent trip, Ivy needed to use the bathroom, and as usual, Kaitlyn went with her. In this bathroom is a hand dryer and a paper towel dispenser. To ensure Ivy’s comfort, Kaitlyn said she always asks other people to please use the paper towel dispenser as the hand dryer causes Ivy to be overly frightened.
Um, No.
Kaitlyn reveals that most of the people she encounters don’t have a problem using paper towels over the hand dryer, but one woman took issue with it on this specific day. When Kaitlyn asked her to use the dispenser, the woman “rolled her eyes and said, “No.” Before Kaitlyn could help Ivy, the woman turned the hand dryer on, and Ivy was so upset that Kaitlyn had to escort her from the bathroom and said it took quite a while to calm Ivy down.
Husband Agrees
Kaitlyn said that the woman came by them later, rolled her eyes again, and said, “You’re not doing your daughter any favors. She’s old enough to learn to deal.” Kaitlyn was shocked, to say the least, and disclosed that Ivy no longer wanted to visit the library. She hates that this once-favored spot is now a frightening place for Ivy. She also says her husband agrees with the woman to an extent. Wondering if she was in the wrong, Kaitlyn posted her encounter to an online forum, and as usual, the comments rolled in.
Not Fair
One user had a great idea to help Ivy cope in public places with loud noises. “I sympathize with your desire to make the world a little less awful for Ivy to deal with, but what if another child with ASD or ADHD or OCD needed/wanted to use the air dryer? You can’t control the world, and it isn’t fair to Ivy (or you) to take those risks without any backup plan. Get Ivy earplugs if noises are too much for her or practice strategies to help her cope.”
Bathroom Playlist
Several people relayed the lifesaver that noise-canceling headphones are. “As an adult with ASD, noise-canceling headphones are a lifesaver. There will be plenty of loud noises you can’t control. Sirens, screaming babies, loud music, carnivals, chatter on buses. You need to understand you can’t control every single incident of noise in public. Find a way to mitigate those experiences, such as noise-canceling headphones. Maybe even have a ‘bathroom playlist,’ so Ivy has some music to distract her.”
Absolute No
Another forum participant said, “Honestly, this is me. I also have sensory issues; touching dry napkins/paper towels is an absolute NO. But, those are my issues to deal with.”
Completely Understand
Someone posted honest and experienced advice for Kaitlyn. “While I completely understand the need of a mom to protect their child, you have to, at some point, teach your child how to function in a world that isn’t going to accommodate her needs and sensitivities. If that means carrying a set of over-the-ear headphones with you at all times and popping them on in stressful situations, you do that until she learns better-coping mechanisms as she grows (and she will trust me).”
Common Fear
One interested party thinks public bathrooms are a common fear. “Based on my kids and nieces, those dryers are a pretty common fear for toddlers. But we teach them to deal, or WE accommodate by using family restrooms or ear defenders.”
Short-Sighted
Another respondent was critical of Kaitlyn’s bathroom etiquette. “Her current set-up is incredibly shortsighted, and it’s not being kind or fair to her child, let alone everyone else who has to deal with a stranger policing their bathroom habits on top of whatever other thing they’re dealing with.”
Unnecessary
Someone else had this to say, “The lady’s response to your panicking daughter was unnecessary. Sadly, people like her exist, and as Ivy gets older, she will be exposed to more people like her. I understand wanting to protect her, but you can’t change the world. The best you can do is give Ivy the tools and techniques to live in it.”
Extra Help
This responder added, “As I got older, I learned things like breathing techniques and how to filter sensory input better, and now don’t need earplugs. But I still keep earbuds and music on hand for days I need some extra help.”
Everyone Sucks
Another contributor thinks that Kaitlyn and the lady from the bathroom were both wrong. “Honestly, everyone sucks here. The lady from the bathroom could have responded better and used the paper towels. And Kaitlyn needs to learn to help Ivy cope instead of expecting the entire world to move to accommodate Ivy’s sensitivities.”
Accommodations
One commenter was clear about how the world works. “Accommodations are great when they can be given, but they won’t always be available. People have conflicting needs and wants, and some people are going to be mean. Ivy needs to learn that she can’t control everything in the world. It’ll be more valuable to teach her coping skills to use when these situations occur.”
Matter of Preference
Another reader pointed out that, like Ivy, other people have issues as well. “Some autistic kids might LOVE the sound or feel of the air dryer and have a meltdown if they are not allowed to use it. Some autistic kids might HATE the texture of the hand towels in public restrooms. Some people with OCD might have a specific preference involving the air dryer. Some people might have a skin condition/sensitivity that makes using certain types of towels painful.”
Physical Pain
Informed and generous, one participant shared some knowledge. “I don’t think people realize that sensory overload isn’t the same as being scared of loud noises. There have been tests done, and autistic people that are exposed to unpleasant sensory input actually have the pain center in their brain activated, NOT just the fear part.”
Prepared for the Future
Another human was quick to point out that Ivy would need to be prepared for future discomfort. “I get that you’re trying to make life easier for your daughter, and that’s admirable, but you can’t always be there to protect her, so this seems like a good opportunity to work on some healthy coping strategies so that she can be more prepared for the future.”
Help Them Grow
Having and raising a child is the hardest job in the world, and it doesn’t come with a “how to do it the right way” manual. As parents, it’s our job to do our absolute best to raise and prepare our children to become compassionate, considerate adults. This job is made all the harder for parents with children who have disabilities, be they physical, emotional, social, etc. Sometimes it seems as if we’re protecting our children when really what we’re doing is crippling them. It’s good to know that Kaitlyn could recognize the difference and learn to help Ivy grow to face her fear instead of expecting others to accommodate her fear constantly. While every child is different and has to be met at their level, those levels can grow as they learn new skills to cope with specific triggers and obstacles.
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