Lending money to friends and family can cause many problems in your relationship, especially if they don’t pay you back or keep coming back for more money. Someone online faces this situation with their partner’s family and wonders if they’re being unfair to them.
Monthly Loan Requests
Their girlfriend and her family have always been terrible with money, continually spending beyond their means and needing more to pay essential bills and other necessities. They managed to get her on the right track: she has a monthly budget and lives within her means. However, for the past year, their girlfriend has had to lend money every month to her mom and two siblings so they can pay their bills.
Good Advice Not Taken
Recently their girlfriend had an emergency expense that she had to manage. When her family asked for money again, she didn’t have it available, so she asked her partner to lend it instead. The partner lent them the money but told her to advise her family to create a budget so they could live within their means and not rely on loans.
More Monthly Loan Requests
The loan was repaid not by the family but by the girlfriend. All three of her family members were asking for yet another loan. The girlfriend had no money to lend to her family because she repaid her family’s most recent loan out of her pocket. She asked her partner if they could extend another loan to her family.
A Reasonable Request
This time the partner refused and said if they kept bailing her family out, they’d never learn. Their girlfriend said her family needed the money to pay routine household expenses. They asked for a complete itemization of all their monthly bills, how much they earn, and why they cannot afford to pay for the basics.
No More Loans
Their girlfriend said she wouldn’t ask for this information because it would embarrass them. She said she knew two of them had spent money on Valentine’s Day paying for expensive hotels and other luxuries. After hearing this, the partner refused to lend them the money. The girlfriend’s family claims they won’t be able to pay their bills without the loan.
Is It Fair or Unfair?
While the girlfriend understands her partner’s position, they know she’s hurt and sad for her family and doesn’t want to see them struggle. The partner feels bad about turning down their request for a loan, but they don’t think it’s right to keep bailing them out. Are they being fair or unfair to their girlfriend’s family? Participants from an online discussion board offered their points of view on the partner’s and girlfriend’s actions.
Money Management Courses
A user asks, “Can you send them a link to money management courses? Maybe offer to sponsor them in those?” “But you are correct in that enabling their poor money management means that it absolutely will continue,” they warn.
Adult Responsibilities
Someone else in the discussion admonishes that adults should be responsible for paying their bills. While it was nice of them to help their girlfriend’s family initially, it’s unacceptable to use them as a bank constantly.
Words of Wisdom
“If you take your relationship to the next level, separate finances and get a prenuptial agreement. Her family holds the guilt card,” another individual advises.
Put Their Foot Down Now
A contributor to the forum affirms the partner’s position, telling them, “You don’t work hard every day just to fund other people’s poor life choices. Put a stop to it ASAP before it becomes habitual.” Once it starts, it’ll never stop.
Make Better Choices
Somebody else observes, “They can pay their bills but choose not to. They decided going to a hotel for Valentine’s Day was more important than having electricity. This is not your problem. Maybe if they suffer the consequences of their poor choices, they’ll make better decisions.”
Going No Contact
At least one person on the thread could relate to having a similar situation with a relative. They finally gave the repeat borrower a budget pep talk. A week later, they received a stern email about family helping each other and how out of line they were to give financial advice. They stopped communicating with that relative and haven’t looked back since.
Cut the Cord Now
The family has already become dependent on getting money from the girlfriend; however, this has all the signs of accelerating. It’s good to say no right now when it would be easier, as opposed to later, when it became a pattern, an observer notes.
Urgent Versus Non-Urgent
“They may have an emergency now, but it sounds like there will always be an emergency when they need to ask for money,” writes a commenter on the discussion board. The girlfriend’s family isn’t able to distinguish between necessities and non-necessities.
Take the Hard Line
A couple of users apply some adages that fit perfectly under the circumstances. The first one says, “None of this is your issue. It’s an example of ‘no good deed shall go unpunished,'” while a second user remarks, “You’ve got to be cruel to be kind.”
Assess the Future
A forum member believes the partner needs to look harder at the situation since the girlfriend’s family sees them as banks. They insist it’s best to say no and talk to the girlfriend about future requests. They wonder, “Does she expect to give them money forever?”
Don’t Lend Money to Them
The partner seeking advice should act responsibly by not taking on someone else’s irresponsibility, a respondent warns. They further clarify by advising you not to give them money because you won’t get it back.
Focus On Your Girlfriend
“Instead of trying to educate the family, I focus on getting your partner to talk with a mental health professional. She needs to know that her family is not entitled to her money and that she’s worth more than just being a bank,” a commenter elaborates.
Don’t Be an Enabler
One person in the discussion expresses their astonishment that the girlfriend’s family isn’t embarrassed asking for money. Still, they’re too embarrassed to learn how to manage their money. They affirm that the partner doesn’t have to enable other people’s poor money habits.
Big Red Flag
Some introspection is in order by the partner, a contributor asserts, writing, “You need to ask yourself if you want to deal with this begging every month for the rest of your life. Because as long you are with your girlfriend, this is going to be a problem. It would be a big relationship red flag for me if she can’t learn how to say no to her family.”
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