Family dynamics are rarely easy. Add in a tense relationship, and the third party can feel stuck in the middle.
Family Ties
A woman we’ll call “Bella” is married to her husband, “Johnny.” Johnny’s mother, “Brittany,” has one son who lives at home and another, we’ll call “Zack,” who recently moved out. Bella says there are large age gaps between all three boys; they all have different dads.
Relationships
When Zack moved out, he began to see why Johnny and Bella didn’t have much in the way of a relationship with Brittany. Both boys also share information with Johnny. Bella says that she hasn’t spoken to Brittany since September 2021. From what the boys have said, Bella imagines Brittany must have nothing better to do than sit around, contemplate why she’s evil and no good for Johnny, and think about how much she hates her.
Direct Quotes
Bella says that Johnny will be traveling home alone soon as there is a family emergency. She informed him that she would not allow him to take the children as she didn’t want his mother around their kids. Bella says that the boys have shared things Brittany has said about her, and she’s quoted them directly.
“Bella is bad. She isn’t good for Johnny, hurting him and his kids. Mom doesn’t think Bella is a good person at all.” This quote came from Johnny’s youngest brother, “Adam.”
The Quotes Keep Coming
“Mom hates Bella. She already told me if you show up at her house with Bella with you, you’re not allowed in the house.” This quote came from Zack in a conversation with Johnny.
“Mom is mad at Bella because of what she has done to you. Mom is mad because of the mark Bella has left on you and the children. Mom was only trying to help you understand. Bella hasn’t tried to be in Mom’s ‘good graces.’ Mom was trying to get you to see why Bella was bad.” These last two quotes came from Brittany through Adam. These nasty interactions are the main sticking point on why Bella refuses to let her children spend time with Johnny’s mother.
Solo Act
Bella says that Brittany’s comments are like a slap in the face. She also admits that she and Johnny separated just before Christmas to give him some space. She has been raising their three children, all under the age of two, all by herself.
Mental Health
She says that Johnny’s mental health was suffering, and he needed to focus on getting help away from his family. Since their separation, Bella has been solo parenting. She takes their children to school and doctor appointments, handles her daughter’s multiple heart issues, spends time in the hospital with her sick baby, takes their son to speech therapy, supports her husband through therapy and support groups, etc. Bella ensured Johnny got his medication and helped him through his mental health struggles, all while pulling full-time parenting duty. The fact that Brittany knows this and still dares to say that she’s no good for Johnny or their children has caused Bella to cut all ties with Brittany.
Bella says she is trying to maintain an open heart and hopes she and Johnny can reconcile. Unfortunately, he thinks Bella is being hateful and holding grudges against his mother.
Grandma, the Bully
Bella reveals that Johnny is upset that Brittany won’t be able to see their children and feels they’ll be hurt by not having Brittany in their lives, but Bella isn’t budging. She feels that until her mother-in-law can, at the “bare minimum,” respect her, there’s nothing for them to say to each other.
While Bella agrees that they don’t have to ‘get along,’ she won’t even entertain the idea of letting Brittany near her children until the woman can respect her as the mother of her grandchildren, the wife of her son, and as a person in general. Is she crazy?
Not Crazy
One post contributor wanted Bella to know she is perfectly sane. “Not Crazy. Sane. And you are absolutely in the right. Stick to your guns and do whatever you have to make your husband come out of the FOG and shine up his spine. Good luck!”
More Than Reasonable
Another user let Bella know she is more than reasonable. “I am sorry that this has happened to you and your children. You are 100% reasonable. You are beyond reasonable for allowing this to happen for so long. You are doing your job correctly. You are protecting your children from her. Stand your ground and never give in.”
Change
Someone pointed out that a tiger doesn’t change its stripes. “I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think Brittany will ever do the bare minimum to have a relationship with you, considering how much she professes to hate you. Usually, someone does not change their ideas; however ill-conceived or false they are, on a particular person. I’d be more worried that you’ve been so supportive of your husband, and he still treats you this way, like your feelings aren’t valid. He’s forgetting what you’ve done for him when he was at his lowest point. “
Effects of Abuse
A third person shared their own story of dealing with an abusive grandmother. “My mother could not/would not keep me away from my grandmother (her mother), who hated us both. She kept trying to be the good daughter, but my mother was the scapegoat they expected to hand over her paycheck weekly while they abused me mentally and physically. I know my mother had issues and probably was mentally ill, but her lack of strength to keep me away from the toxic mess that was my grandmother still affects me, and I’m 75 now.”
Boundaries
Another commenter encouraged Bella to hold her boundaries. “Hold your boundaries. If she can’t do the bare minimum, and treat you civilly, then she gets no access to your children. It sounds like she’s talking trash about you to everyone, so what’s to stop her from talking like that to your little ones about you? Absolutely nothing.”
Have Your Back
One individual thought Johnny should have Bella’s back. “Those kids are half you. If she treats you that way, I can only imagine how she would treat them. And she would probably talk bad about you to them. So I completely understand your decision. And your husband needs to have your back on this. If someone hurts you, your husband should not expect you to still go around that person. You are not a punching bag.”
Let Go
Another participant thinks Bella has a husband problem. “You have a real husband problem. You might want to continue single parenting and let him go.”
Why
Someone else had a question. “Why is your husband reporting back to you nasty things that his family has said?”
Broken Relationships
A sassy forum user wanted Bella to know this issue wasn’t her fault. “When a grandparent refuses to respect the parents and verbally abuses one of the parents, they are the ones that have broken all trust and the relationship. You didn’t break the relationship; your mother-in-law did.”
Focus
One forum member thinks Bella’s husband needs to focus on his issues and stay far away from his mother. “It sounds like your MIL has done quite a number on her sons. If your husband is struggling enough with mental illness to get out of the home care to this extent, then he should, as a minimum, understand that this is not the time to bring a manipulator back into his life. He isn’t well enough to try and make major decisions on what’s best for their children. If he requires the intensive focus and care required for treatment, then the focus should be on that.”
Lost it All
Another interested party thinks Brittany has lost Bella and her children. “You aren’t crazy. You are the one who is standing up to the dysfunction, which makes you the only sane individual.
Your husband is still deep in the FOG. I would never forgive his Mum or let her see my children. She has lost that, in my opinion.”
Child Protective Services
A fourth individual wanted to know who was calling Child Protective Services. “Sooooooo, is it her who’s calling CPS or?”
Least Worry
There’s no doubt that Bella is having a rough journey. One thing she shouldn’t worry about, however, is trying to maintain a relationship that is likely irrevocably broken. If Johnny still suffers from mental health issues, he will have to work through his issues in therapy, and from what it sounds like, Brittany doesn’t even know she has problems to work through.
Cut your losses and live happier because you stood up for yourself and your children.
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