Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when one person has preset expectations that another party can’t or doesn’t intend to meet. This is Stacy’s story.
Few and Far Between
A woman we will refer to as Stacy said that she and her boyfriend, Eric, have been dating for three years. She also says that she has met Eric’s family, but they don’t visit his family very often because they live in a different country.
Conflict
Stacy reveals that she and Eric were over at his parents for dinner. They told Eric’s parents about looking for a house and engagement rings. Of course, everyone was happy for them. But Eric’s youngest sister-in-law popped the question about the “test.”
Family Tradition
Stacy adds that she was confused and asked, “What test?”. The tradition is that future mothers-in-law will test the daughters-in-law to see if they are worthy of the sons. According to Stacy, Eric’s mother and aunts also went through this test. The test covers things like how clean they can keep a house, how skilled they are in cooking, manners, etc.
Ridiculous
Stacy mentioned that if she weren’t good enough for Eric, he would decide so. She also says she “didn’t fit into their targeted category.” In Eric’s mother’s words, “You can’t be a good stay-at-home-wife and stay-at-home-mom if you can’t be a good homemaker,” and she wanted to make sure that Stacy was fit for that role.
Rather Buy Homemaking Gadgets
Stacy brought up that Eric’s brothers’ wives were all stay-at-home moms, as well as his mother. Stacy says even though she respects their choices, she wouldn’t abandon her career to be a stay-at-home mom and wife. Stacy added she hates house chores and would rather buy homemaking gadgets and hire staff to cook and clean.
Thanks, No Thanks
When Stacy told Eric’s mom that she had no intention of becoming a stay-at-home wife or spending her days cooking and cleaning, it caused an argument that ruined dinner and the extension of their visit. Eric thinks she should take the test and sees it as a fun family tradition. He also suggested she post her story online, and as usual, the comments came along.
Test Him
One reader thinks Eric should take a test to prove his manliness. “Let HIM take a test. He can rotate the tires, change the oil, and maybe rework the transmission on a car, and install a new muffler while he’s at it. Then he can perform a series of tests lifting heavy objects. He’s gonna need to know how to fix a leaky faucet. Your father, brothers, and male friends can judge him on his manliness and decide if he is prepared to be a ‘proper’ husband. He might also need to prove he makes enough money to support you when you must stay home and perform all those ‘wifely’ duties.”
Valuable Freetime
Another commenter thinks her free time is much more valuable than proving herself to others. “No chance would I have accepted this nonsense. My free time is valuable. Spending it proving myself to folks who should accept me unconditionally is not even close to making the cut.”
Precious
One contributor is already dreaming about when they have a daughter. “If I had a daughter and her boyfriend’s family came up with some test like that, I would DEFINITELY say that their precious son would have to take this test or even something worse.”
Financial Audit
Another participant thinks Eric “might need to” undergo a financial audit and offer up his former girlfriends and browser history. “Start with a full financial audit of the boy and his father. Then I will need to speak to every girlfriend he has ever had. Topics will include intimate prowess, general anger issues, and character. And, of course, I want to check his browser history.”
A Great Weekend
An interested party thinks a childcare test is in order for Eric. “Leave HIM alone with two toddlers for a three-day weekend; how he and the children fare at the end will then be scored.”
Ingrained
Another respondent thinks Eric’s upbringing tells a lot. “I’m concerned he secretly thinks you’ll change your mind when you get pregnant, or he can convince you to stay home. Maybe he is different, but it seems like something very ingrained in his family and upbringing.”
Settle Down
Someone thinks Eric probably thinks Stacy will get comfortable after they marry. “His view of women is, of course, going to be formed by those he grew up with and by the women who joined the family over the years. It’s certainly possible he assumes she’ll “settle down” after marriage or that he’ll be able to “tame” her.”
Sign Me Up
Someone else thinks Eric and Stacy should have laughed and both taken the test together. “Since they will both be working and assumedly sharing in household chores, why not test them both on the same tasks? The whole test idea is sexist and insulting, but if Stacy and Eric had made it a joke and both taken it, it would have gotten the point across and possibly left his family satisfied.”
No One Else
An intuitive person made a great point about who does the choosing. “Honestly, as a pretty traditional guy myself, I’d feel awkward having my gf go through such tests. These are really non-essential traits, especially considering I prefer to cook for myself. On top of that, it’s ME, who decides, whether someone’s a good enough partner for me. I don’t need permission from anyone else.”
Help Each Other
One insightful reader gave Stacy some great advice. “The important thing is not to find someone who can pass a stupid “traditions” test, but to find someone who can be a good partner and complement your abilities so you can help each other through life.”
Impact on Relationship
One participant wanted Stacy to know some things going forward. “You should have a serious discussion with him on expectations of roles moving forward. If you have kids, will he expect you to become a SAHM? And when his family makes comments about you working and not being a stay-at-home wife, and he lets them have digs at you, how will you feel? Having had an in-law that made digs often towards me for this, I can tell you it does impact on your relationship when he lets it keep happening.”
Good for the Goose
The issue with most traditions nowadays is that they adhere to old-fashioned and severely sexist lines. We no longer live in the era of WWI when women stayed home to tend the house and children. Women pull their own weight in today’s society, and most outwork their male counterparts. There’s a reason the old adage “A man works from sun up to sun down, and a woman’s work is never done” still holds true. If a woman works outside the home or inside and pulls the weight of a wife and mother, she likely doesn’t stop working until she falls into bed to sleep. When men can do the exact same thing without complaining that they “need some time to themselves,” then we can talk about “tests” to prove what kind of spouse we intend to be.
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