Regrettably, not every state can be crowned as the ultimate dream destination. A handful of conditions can be quite a letdown, thanks to sky-high taxes, shaky infrastructure, and a not-so-impressive quality of life. Drawing from their experiences and candid online discussions, Americans have pinpointed some less-than-ideal states to put down roots within the United States. It’s like an informal, state-ranking showdown where folks spill the beans on what makes a state not so great.
Hawaii
Once you’ve soaked in the beauty of those unique black-sand beaches in Hawaii, you might notice something peculiar about your dining experience. That pasta salad you ordered could set you back a whopping $15 and taste like black sand. Despite its paradise-like qualities, Hawaii heavily relies on subpar, overpriced imported cuisine. It’s almost as if the islands are a magnet for vacationing Japanese fighter planes, unpredictable tsunamis, and covert Kenyan infant operatives. Maybe the native Hawaiians had the right idea with their versatile use of “aloha” to mean both “hello” and “goodbye”—keeping their options open for whatever comes their way.
Connecticut
Connecticut, often known for its historical figures like P.T. Barnum, George W. Bush, and even the infamous Benedict Arnold, has shifted its primary export from manufactured goods to shysters. With a wealth gap that’s as glaring as a neon sign in Times Square, it’s not exactly a place that shouts “economic equality.” Plus, they call themselves the Nutmeg State. Really? They could come up with a better nickname than that. They’re trying to drive people away.
Oregon
For those who’ve experienced the perils of the Oregon Trail on an Apple IIe, a visit to Oregon might evoke memories of cholera, broken axles, and unfortunate river drownings. Fast forward a century, and Oregon still doesn’t have the best reputation, albeit for different reasons like asthma and encounters with meth addicts. But like in the game, one might ponder the best course of action – perhaps stock up on metaphorical ammunition, or better yet, invest in a good sense of humor to navigate the quirks of the Beaver State.
Colorado
Colorado might get a bad rap from South Park, but the reality is even more underwhelming. The state boasts some dubious distinctions, like housing the world’s most underwhelming beer (Coors) and the most enthusiastic evangelicals, led by James Dobson’s Focus on the Family. On top of that, Colorado is a prime spot for lightning strikes and West Nile virus infections, making it a potential adventure of the electrifying kind. But if you’re not into that, at least some towering peaks in the Rockies will help you make a hasty retreat.
Iowa
Iowa has a unique reputation that some consider corny. Thanks to the Iowa caucuses, it’s known for its influential role in the political world, where a small group of folks can make a big difference. In addition to politics, Iowa boasts a renowned Iowa Writers’ Workshop, famous for churning out its fair share of relentlessly gloomy literature. Remember Kevin Costner’s classic line from “Field of Dreams”? Well, in Iowa, it’s not heaven—it’s a land of corn and political dreams, where even ghosts may contemplate returning to the cornfields.
Washington
When you think of Washington State, some things typically come to mind: rain and Microsoft. The drizzly weather and tech giants have been its claim to fame for years. So, as you ponder the never-ending showers and software updates, you may hear the blues calling your name.
South Dakota
South Dakota, home to the iconic Mount Rushmore, has a taste for mountains with giant faces and an unfortunate reputation for methamphetamine issues. However, there’s a glimmer of optimism for the state. Due to a phenomenon known as “rural flight,” many South Dakotans are migrating to urban areas, seeking better opportunities and, perhaps unintentionally, escaping the meth-related problems. The allure of city life, complete with its challenges, draws them away from the hills and meth-holes.
Utah
Utah is a state with a unique paradox. Nearly seventy percent of its residents are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, known as Mormons, who adhere to strict moral principles. Yet, ironically, Utah also holds the title of being the nation’s largest consumer of paid pornography. While many people around the country may discreetly enjoy free online content, many Utahns are willing to spend their money on it. This intriguing contrast between religious values and personal choices in the Beehive State certainly raises some eyebrows, leading to a few frictions.
Vermont
Vermont finds itself in a unique spot, blending Americans’ disdain for France with their sympathy for Canada. The state has a sizable French Canadian population, almost ten percent of its residents. In 2008, an economist labeled Vermont’s fondness for all things French as an “economically stagnant” affair, projecting it to stay that way for three decades. Quite the European touch! Perhaps Ben & Jerry’s can commemorate this with a new flavor – “Fudge Swirl Econo-yummy Crash.”
New Hampshire
With its spacious landscapes, commendable education system, and spirited “Live Free or Die” motto, New Hampshire frequently earns a spot on the list of the “Best Places to Live in America,” just like its buddy Minnesota. However, there’s a peculiar twist. Despite all the natural beauty, New Hampshire lingers near the cellar regarding church attendance. In fact, nearly half of its residents hesitate to assert with certainty the existence of a higher power. So, amidst those stunning White Mountains and pristine lakes, it seems this Heathen Eden might be tempting fate for a divine smiting, or at least a celestial eye-roll.
Illinois
Like how some states grow corn, Illinois has a knack for cultivating corrupt politicians. Remarkably, the Land of Lincoln has witnessed no less than six governors facing criminal charges, either during their office or afterward. (Yes, that includes the infamously flamboyant Rod Blagojevich, who seemed to channel a certain novelist in his antics.) Illinois is a significant producer of corn, and those corn subsidies come in handy for various purposes, even settling a debt or two with a hypothetical bookie.
Maine
Maine, often dubbed “The Pine Tree State,” lives up to its name, with over half its land covered in pine trees. In fact, more than fifty percent of the state falls under Unorganized Territory, meaning there’s no local government control in these areas. This intriguing fact might lead some to contemplate luring famed author Stephen King out of his Bangor bunker and, hypothetically, getting away with unavoidable van-related mishaps. As for Maine’s cuisine, it’s no secret that lobster is a beloved delicacy, but when you think about it, lobsters could be considered the ocean’s version of a giant cockroach – a rather fancy and delicious one, though!
Pennsylvania
The Amish might have chosen Pennsylvania because it made barn-raising and noodle-pressing seem like appealing alternatives to the chaos of modern life. However, make sure to consider Pennsylvania as a bastion of modernity. With the steel industry’s decline, the state’s main exports seem limited to vomit, Taser videos, and Arlen Specter. And let’s not forget the rowdy reputation of Phillies Nation, known for its passionate yet sometimes wild fans. It might drive you to hitch up your buggy and ride until your horse gives up (or encounters an unfortunate encounter with a Phillies fan).
Montana
Montana, often considered one of the states with the highest percentage of white residents, also holds a rather unwelcome distinction—the reddest pavement due to an unusually high rate of motor vehicle accidents per mile driven. It’s almost as if the state is starring in its own version of the movie “Crash,” where the primary plot revolves around how white people can only seem to meet other white people by crashing into each other on the roads. It’s not exactly a cinematic masterpiece unless you have a morbid sense of humor and prefer your social interactions to be slightly less life-threatening.
Massachusetts
In the charming realm of Massachusetts, where hobbits of the slimmest stature and highest education thrive, the state proudly portrays itself as a Shire-like haven. Here, the peace-loving thin-intelligentsia frolic without a care, far from trigger-happy antics. But there’s a twist: with such an idyllic setup, you could paint a bullseye on your forehead. Yes, my dear Frodo, brace yourself for the occasional battery-induced head bump if you call this place home. So, Massachusetts, do you like apples? Well, you’re in for some exciting encounters, aren’t you? How ’bout them apples?
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