Dating in today’s world is nothing like it was for our parents or grandparents. Back then, there was no such thing as online dating or dating apps. People met, clicked, and developed a relationship, or they didn’t. Sometimes the click happens for a few nice moments, and sometimes those moments aren’t always so nice, but knowing what you want is essential to whether or not a relationship moves forward. When one person is in, and the other is still sitting on the fence, the connection will fizzle out and eventually cease to be. This is a similar story.
Boundaries
A woman we’ll refer to as “Carmen” is dating a man we’ll call “Saul.” They’ve been dating for a couple of months and spend nearly every day and most nights together. They also call and text each other “all the time.” So, as Carmen’s feelings have increased, she decides they need to “talk” about where their relationship is going.
Let Me Stop You Right There
When she mentioned that she had feelings for him and wanted to give a long-term relationship a go, she figured he’d be up for it considering his behavior since they’d met. Instead of the romantic conversation she was expecting, Saul said, “Define feelings…?” Then he added that he “Doesn’t like labels or that boyfriend-girlfriend thing.”
Let Me Think About It
Carmen was surprised and hurt by Saul’s admission and how he went back to acting as if nothing had changed. She says he even acted surprised when she went home instead of spending the night with him. Over the next week, she took some time to think things over and got with Saul to let him know what she thought. She knows she really likes Saul but doesn’t want to invest all of her attention, time, and love into someone who’s never going to give her the same commitment in return.
Change It Up
She met Saul recently and told him she wanted to change things. She says that she has no problem with them continuing to see each other, keeping a friendship going, and maybe even spending some intimate time together, but she also wants the space to ‘get past her romantic feelings’ and maybe even date other people.
Excuse Me
When Carmen said all this to Saul, he got very upset and told Carmen she was “manipulative and toxic.” He also said she was pushy, trying to force him into defining their relationship this early in. So naturally, Carmen is second-guessing her decision. She also reveals that Saul has never been in a relationship before and that “labels” scare him. Carmen’s story got plenty of attention when she posted it online.
No Future
A realistic contributor has a sage warning for Carmen. “I’m not sure what this guy, at 29, is really expecting to happen. You’ve made your intentions and feelings clear, he’s not reciprocated this, nor is he willing to ‘label’ you as a conventional couple, it seems? Either you get out of him what on earth it is that he wants or expects out of you both and what he is comfortable with calling you, or this just has no future whatsoever.”
Too Many Rom-Coms
Someone knows Saul has seen a few too many rom-coms and thinks that’s how life goes. “He watched too many old rom-coms and thinks he sounds cool, saying he doesn’t want to define the relationship. Really, he is just playing games.”
Way Outdated
An experienced commenter knows a thing or two about this game. “A lot of guys and some of the girls in the 90s and early 2000s thought it was cool to act that way. It wasn’t actually cool then, and it is way outdated now.”
Girlfriend Benefits
Another individual agreed, saying, “He’s trying to manipulate OP into being okay with exclusivity on her part without reciprocity from him. He wants girlfriend benefits without having to be a boyfriend.”
Wants His Cake
A smart woman commented, “He wants to have his cake and eat it. If he doesn’t want to commit to you then it’s perfectly reasonable that you date other people. You’re being transparent. Not manipulative. I would probably move on from him pretty quickly in your position. You’re allowed standards and expectations, he’s allowed not to meet them, but that doesn’t mean you have to stick around.”
Get in the Way
Another warning came in for Carman from an informed participant. “You need to stop chilling and speaking to him altogether. He’s just going to get in the way of what you really want.”
Well Done
Someone else was impressed with Carmen’s maturity. “Just say, ‘Hey, we are looking for different things; I wish you the best.’ Well done on identifying what you want, Carmen; you are a lot more collected than I was at your age. Keep setting boundaries.”
Same Page
An honest person thinks Carmen should move on. “Honestly, this smacks of him wanting YOU to be exclusive, but HE can still see others. Regardless, he’s shown he’s not on the same page as you maturity/emotion-wise, so it’s best if you move on.”
Block and Delete
Another respondent thinks Carmen should walk away. “So basically implying you two are exclusive but have plausible deniability once you found out. That would be why he was so offended that you decided to do the same thing and beat him at his own game. That’s just speculation, but this guy doesn’t give me good vibes at all. Block and delete!”
Life Support
One commenter thinks Carmen and Saul’s relationship is done, and they should pull the plug. “Your ‘relationship’ is on life support, and I don’t know if you’re actually going to get something worthwhile out of it.”
Linguistics
Somebody offered up an analogy that was a great way to describe Saul’s odd obsession with “labels.” “He doesn’t like labels, but at the same time, you are expected to only be with him and no one else? That is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It’s like if I said, ‘I hate tomatoes,’ and you said, ‘But you are eating a tomato right now,’ and I said, ‘No, I hate tomatoes; these are what I call red slimy water balls, not tomatoes.’ He seems weirdly fixated on linguistics.”
Toxic
According to one interested party Saul is toxic and selfish. “It’s actually the opposite. He’s being toxic. He wants you to continue putting energy into him and no one else while refusing to commit. He’s not just toxic. He’s selfish.”
Definitions
Defining a relationship can be tricky, even if both people feel the same way about each other and the relationship. When two people can’t give meaning to how they feel or don’t feel the same about each other or the relationship, there’s a very high chance that said relationship isn’t going to last long.
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