We wanted to know what 21 unspoken things will ruin a relationship.
Outside Noise
“Outside noise from society, family, friends.”
“Yep it’s really creepy and icky actually how much others think they have a say in people’s relationships.”
Keeping Score
“I know a variety of friends, family who are or have been on the rocks because of this. With one, there’s been years of keeping score while one partner frankly wasn’t the greatest. When that partner works on changing for the better, the other partner struggles to cope with how they were wronged.”
Lack of Complete Honesty
“Never being completely honest just because you want to spare your partner’s feelings.”
“It just ends up hurting more when they find out from someone else.”
Invalidating Your Partners Emotions
“1000%! Saying someone is ‘over sensitive” is just a way to avoid having to show up for them emotionally, and your partner will remember that.”
“This times 100. She says open up, but when you do, she goes cold.”
Infatuation
“You should observe and note a person’s negative (or dangerous and destructive) traits before you commit. But most just say, ‘but I love everything about him/her’ with blind infatuation, and years later those traits or habits become nightmarish and cause fights and anxiety.”
A Sick/Disabled Child
“Experienced this, and it took us to the edge of divorce. A major diagnosis of a child is life-altering and pervades just about every part of family life. For us, everything started to revolve around the kid, and we neglected our marriage completely. We basically had to reimagine an entirely new future and way of life that wasn’t necessarily worse, just different.”
Lack of Boundaries/Disrespecting Boundaries
“I think people don’t put sufficient importance on protecting the boundaries and intimacy of relationships. It should be a space for the two of you where you feel safe, loved, and valued. That means not telling other people all the gory details because you’re breaking a boundary, and that ruins part of the intimacy.”
Lack of Privacy
“Privacy in a relationship is huge and something I just don’t think many people take seriously. This was a big reason which led to the downfall of my marriage. Once I realized basically everything I would tell my wife would leak to others, I became much more guarded about what I would say and less commutative about certain things.”
Poor/No Communication
“Be careful not to kill open communication. If one partner attacks another for their opinions, or bringing things up, communication will die pretty quick.”
“You can tell your partner something you need but if it’s not said in a way they can receive it, it’s like it was never even said.”
Lack of Growth
“Probably an unpopular opinion, but trying to stay the same whether it’s wants, needs, goals, or expectations.
I think sometimes people forget that we grow, so things change, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grow together. Why tread water when you can swim to the shore as a unit?”
Uneven Distribution of Household/Child-Rearing Labor
“This has destroyed so many relationships for me. Not only do I usually pay all the bills, but I also cook dinner every night and do all of the housework. ALL of it. I’ve asked my ex-girlfriends to at least clean up after themselves to contribute something to the house, but they couldn’t even do that.”
Unharmonious Libidos
“I’d add to that: a significant and sustained change in drive leaves one partner hurting and/or feeling like a pig. Resentment builds and relationships can die.”
The Blame Game
“Blame. The single best predictor of relationship failure is the frequency of blaming language. Blame is absolutely poisonous to relationships. Approach problems from a problem-solving mindset, not a blame-assigning one, if you want your relationship to last.”
Money Issues
“Lack thereof, disagreements on spending, one person resenting the other making more, one person spending anyway without consulting the other….”
“Money isn’t the ‘root of evil,’ but it sure as hell can be the root of your breakup.”
Fear of Arguing
“Lack of arguing. Holding in feelings creates resentment towards your partner. Arguing without losing control of your emotions and being civil is a really important skill to develop.”
Lack of Common Courtesy
“Lack of common courtesy. You drop the pleases and thank yous. You talk to your spouse in a way you’d NEVER speak to your best friend.
You complain behind their back. In a friendship, you’d be toxic, but this is just the way people see marriage.”
Toxic In-Laws
“Mama’s boys/moms too involved in relationships & are jealous of their son’s significant other.”
Codependence
“Not enough independence. I’ve seen this happen to a couple of friends. They fall madly in love and spend every moment together. Eventually, that just leads to resentment. You need to be your own person within a relationship and not just give up on the pursuit of goals/self-actualization because you’re part of a relationship.”
Phone/Social Media
“I find it so depressing seeing a couple out for a meal together at a nice place, and both are glued to their phones, not talking at all. But their Instagrams will show they’re ‘having a blast’”.
Having Children
“I’m sure there’s plenty of joys that come with raising a child, especially a healthy one. But it seems that nearly every childless couple I know is happier than ones that have children. I know it’s a relatively small sample size, but it just further convinces me to not have kids.”
Complacency
“It’s easy to look past everything you do for a SO and what they do for you. Currently going through a break up and while my life has changed a little, I’m still basically the same.
My ex-partner, however, is having a super hard time because they never really noticed how much I did for them so they could focus on themselves.”
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