OP is a parent to a 15-year-old daughter who has been displaying negative behavior, such as complaining, trash-talking, and making fun of people she knows. OP had been considering talking to her daughter about her behavior. Still, things escalated when the daughter made hurtful comments about her best friend’s daughter, who had recently come out as a lesbian on social media. The daughter called her friend terrible names and insulted her. OP told her daughter that she shouldn’t say those things and planned to talk to her later.
They Talked
OP discussed the situation with her husband, who believed that their daughter should be able to express her opinion, but OP disagreed. OP plans to tell her best friend about the situation and advise her to talk to her daughter.
However, OP is now wondering if she should prevent her daughter from going to a concert with her friends until she can investigate the root cause of her daughter’s negative behavior.
Disappointment Not Anger
Admittedly the majority of the thread is aware that this is a challenging parental situation:
“NTA, but I agree with the people saying it will probably push her farther into sticking to her opinions. I can’t think of a better time for “I’m not mad, I’m just really disappointed” and working with her on understanding what gay people have gone through/are still going through.”
This Redditor seems experienced in dealing with teenagers and their views. They indicate that OP casting her judgment on her negative behavior will encourage her daughter to hold onto her opinions tighter. This difficult scenario must be handled delicately to effectively manipulate her daughter’s negativity.
The writer’s technique would be to remain calm and express disappointment rather than anger at her daughter’s views. Trying to negotiate with her and understand where she gathered these opinions would be a more targeted approach.
Actions Have Consequences
Sometimes it is important to use a firm parental decision to ensure that OP’s child remembers who they are:
“NTA – you’re teaching her that her words have consequences. Saying mean, bigoted things aren’t ok, and at 15, she thinks she knows it all and is an adult when she is not. As far as the concert, I would see how the conversation goes, and if she throws a 3-year-old tantrum, then definitely take your parental right to revoke her going to it.”
This Redditor highlights the need for OP’s daughter to understand the consequences. Most often, teenagers lack the capacity to understand the consequences of their actions. In this case, they encourage the OP to use their power to explain to their daughter what they are doing is wrong and see what happens when they take away the concert tickets. They anticipate a child-like response confirming that these nasty behaviors are that of a young child, not a soon-to-be adult.
Some are On The Fence
“I’m torn between NTA and ESH – obviously, her behavior is out of line, but the fact that she said that stuff directly to you suggests that she really didn’t understand that it was wrong, so I would look at it more like an education moment than a punishment moment. Plus, punishment may make her resent your friend’s daughter, which is not the outcome you want.”
The Redditor points out that the teenage daughter may not fully comprehend what they are saying. If they are willing to say such abusive things to OP’s face, they will likely not understand the magnitude of their wrongdoing.
The next action that the OP makes should be orientated around teaching her a valuable life lesson. Rather than simply punishing her and saying she was wrong, the writer suggests that they use the opportunity more wisely.
Like many other commenters, they express concern over OP’s daughter being pushed further into their beliefs if they are not dealt with very carefully. Ultimately, the OP has a challenging conversation with their daughter that will hopefully bring a more positive attitude.
Source: Reddit