*Trigger Warning: This article mentions mental illness/mental health
Mental illness is hard, even when you’re not the one directly affected. Recently a woman posted her story on an online forum to settle for herself whether she needed to buy a new laptop to replace the one her brother fried. This is her story.
Mental Health
A woman we’ll refer to as “Meg” has an older brother, “Max,” who suffers from severe mental health issues. Because of this issue, he never went to college and can’t work. In an effort to help him, Meg told Max she would buy him a computer if he would take some classes at the local community college. He seemed very interested in this idea and agreed.
Up the Anty
Meg got a call from Max informing her that to take the classes he was interested in, he’d need a computer that ran around $650. Meg’s original budget was $200-300, but she decided, since she could afford it, to pay the extra for the more expensive option.
Fruition
Once Max received the computer from Meg, he used it for fun but never signed up for a class at the community college. Meg made multiple attempts to get Max to enroll in a course, but he just wouldn’t. Meg eventually wrote it all off and figured if he was at least having a good time, it accomplished something.
Expectations
After a year and a half, Max contacted Meg to tell her he ‘fried’ the computer and would need a new one. She said she’d need some time to think about it. Meg admittedly had mixed feelings about getting her brother a new computer. She bought the original one as a way for him to do something productive with his time and learn a new skill. He did neither of those things and instead took advantage of her generosity for his own gains. She also doesn’t want to be on the hook every time he fries a computer.
Meanie
Her parents think she’s being mean, especially as she can afford to buy him a new computer. They think she should buy him a cheaper computer just to satisfy him. Meg feels guilty because she can easily afford it, but she also feels used. She bought the computer for him to use for classes, and he completely ignored his part of the deal. As always, people were more than willing to comment on their own opinions.
Guilt Trip
One commenter thinks Meg is right and shouldn’t give in to her brother’s or parent’s demands. “If your parents think he really deserves a computer, they should get him one and stop guilting you into buying him one. And you’re right, if you buy him another one, it’s something he will expect. Also, your parents and the expectation of caring for him will never end. Mental illness is awful and is 100% difficult to deal with, but it’s not something that should be used as essential leverage to guilt trip you to get him what he wants.”
Responsibility
Another person thinks Meg should have a serious talk with her parents. “But he’s their son, regardless of age, they made him exist in the world, and they bear the responsibility for him. For most people, that responsibility can legally end at 18, but if it can’t, it remains their responsibility. He is not, was not, and never has been your responsibility. In fact, unless you choose to take on the responsibility for him in the future, he never will be your responsibility, your parents will have to set up and provide appropriate care measures for him after they die. If you haven’t had this conversation with them yet, I’d suggest you do so they can prepare.”
Possibility
One interested party shared a possible solution. “Can your parents keep a secret? If so, how would you feel about giving them the money to buy a cheap laptop? My family has a couple of emotionally/intellectually disabled members. My siblings and I pool resources for large gifts and replacement items. The first one is always a direct gift, but replacements are cash given to guardians who can decide if the money is better spent on necessities.”
Great Motivator
Another individual thinks a new computer might be a great motivation for Max to attend classes. “If you want to see him go to school, then having that computer to hang over him to attend is a great motivator. He may struggle with mental health, but behavioral interventions work with any diagnosis. Perhaps if you saw him make real steps in enrolling in college, you would consider giving him some money towards his next computer. Instead of giving him all the money outright, he can earn money from you for each class he attends and passes. Eventually, he can save up the money to earn the reward of getting himself a computer. The more expensive the computer he wants, the longer he will have to attend classes.”
Questions
A few people asked great questions, and Meg stopped in to answer some of them, mainly why the computer died and if her parents had any care plans in place for her brother long-term. “No idea why the computer died. I know he used it constantly. He said it’s not repairable, and I am just going on his word because I know nothing. I should really take it to a professional. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. It is expected that when my parents are unable/no longer here, I will take care of him. They have some money set aside for him, but I’m supposed to dole it out to him so that it lasts. I’ve tried to set him up with the county vocational program, but he won’t go, and he becomes aggressive when they call or come over. He is incredibly smart, and there is so much he could do with himself, but his behavior gets in the way.”
Moral Dilemma
One participant feels sorry for Meg. “Likely didn’t die, and he wants to play games that need better processing power. Good luck, Meg, but you know by everyone else you’re not to blame. I’m sorry you have the moral dilemma of pissing off your brother and parents for not being walked all over.”
Less Likely
Another respondent thinks Max should earn the computer if he’s able. “You bought him a gift, and he broke it. Your responsibility ends there. Although if it was something that brought him a lot of joy and your parents couldn’t afford to buy him one, I probably would buy him one if he’s unable to earn money himself. You aren’t obligated to do so, though. If he has a way to earn money, he would be better off saving up for it himself. He will be less likely to break it in the future.”
Unreasonable
Someone thinks Meg’s parents are being unreasonable. “You bought him one for school, and it’s obvious he’s not going to school, nor does he seem interested. You tried. If your parents want to help him, that’s their business, but they are also being unreasonable in expecting you to supply your brother with a new one.”
Might Feel Differently
One user thinks that Meg might feel differently if Max had actually gone to college as he agreed. “Maybe had he gone to college and the original computer broke and he needs it for classes or he was able to work with the computer and create things with it, something more than it being a toy, OP might feel differently about getting him another one. But it’s a toy that he broke. If he wants another, he should figure out how to go about doing that. Or his parents should figure it out. It isn’t OP’s responsibility.”
Bandwidth for More
Another reader commented that Max may not be able to handle much beyond existing. “It may be that it is simply so hard to be him that he can’t do much more. (I am not being sarcastic or snide. Some people have to spend so much energy just trying to craft their mental world into some semblance of order that they don’t have the bandwidth for much more.) If that’s where he is, you still don’t owe him anything, but a conversation wouldn’t do any good. But I’m getting a whiff of the idea that he’s being enabled by your parents and that they would like you to join in even more than you already have. If he’s capable of being more functional and independent, then having a conversation with him about his responsibility in all this might be worth it for both of you.”
Bad Behavior
Another contributor thinks Meg’s parents should be using Max’s disability against her. “Your parents shouldn’t be using your brother’s mental illness as a shield for your brother’s bad behavior.”
Not an Excuse
Another interested party thinks Max’s mental health issues are no excuse for his actions toward his sister. “Having a mental illness does not excuse you from being a responsible human. If your parents feel he needs a computer, they should buy it for him.”
I’m Sorry
Another person thinks Meg should just say she can’t afford it at the moment. She’s not obligated to disclose her financial status. “If this was me, all I’d say is, ‘I’m sorry, a new computer isn’t in my budget right now’ whenever I was asked about it. It doesn’t matter that you make more and could afford it if you wanted to. Your finances are your business and no one else’s.”
Fool Me Twice
Meg was kind enough to buy Max’s first computer, but a second one is certainly not her responsibility. As many people said, it is on her parents to care for their son. If his disability payment allows for them to save for a computer for him, that’s great. If not, they need to purchase it or tell him they can’t afford it. His sister is not an ATM whenever Max wants something, especially when he didn’t follow through on school for the first computer as he said he would. He’s an adult, and mental illness aside; he shouldn’t have lied to take advantage of his sister’s kindness.
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