OP is a coworker in a group of colleagues who were getting to know a new coworker of the same age. The new coworker revealed that he grew up in the same tiny village as OP, and OP chimed in to say that she did, too, but couldn’t remember him.
He Grew up in the Same Town
OP asked several questions in an attempt to jog her memory, including where he lived and who his family was.
She Questioned Him Until He Revealed the Truth
Feeling embarrassed that she couldn’t remember him, OP continued to question him until the new coworker revealed that he was transgender and had changed his name from his old female name.
They Felt Bad for Pressuring Him
The group was surprised by the revelation and felt bad that they had unknowingly pressured him into disclosing information that he may not have been comfortable sharing.
Was She in the Wrong
OP is now seeking advice on whether she was in the wrong for making the new coworker feel pressured to disclose his transgender identity.
She Feels Guilty
She feels guilty about unintentionally putting him in an uncomfortable situation and wants to know how to make amends.
Online Users Point Out We Should Always Be Respectful
The story emphasizes the importance of being respectful and mindful of people’s personal information and boundaries, particularly with sensitive issues like gender identity.
She Didn’t Pressure Him
This very understandable commenter makes a well-reasoned point about the situation:
“I think the title sounds worse, and I think you might be really bad at reading social cues, but it doesn’t sound like you pressured them to out themselves as trans at all, sounds to me from what you’ve written that you were trying to make sense of someone in a small village that you didn’t recognize.”
She Was Innocently Confused
“I’m going to say NAH, on the basis that you were innocently confused and not pressuring someone to answer an interrogation.”
She Might Have Missed Some Social Cues
There could be a lot at play here, but it is fair to assess that OP might have just missed some social indications that the co-worker was hiding something.
Additionally, their gentle interrogation was well founded as they both happen to come from a small place. This is more than an adequate excuse for them to have pried for more information, as the likelihood they know each other or the same people is very high.
Maybe They Could Have Handled It More Effectively
Ultimately, perhaps the OP and the coworker could have handled the situation a little more effectively.
A Trans Man States That It Could Have Been Dangerous
“Coming from a trans man, forcing someone to out themselves – even unintentionally – is extremely dangerous. He could face problems from transphobic or ignorant people in the workplace, such as insistence on knowing deadnames, purposeful misgendering, and hostility, to name a few.”
He Might Face Issues Going Forward
There are some more concerned contributors to the thread. This is an example from a trans man who is most likely aware of the issues they may face in the working palace going forward.
This Can Be Really Serious
Issues of this nature can be hugely serious. Trans people are known to be the victims of intense bullying and pressure to leave their jobs and communities. Even simply additional attention and hostility can be highly detrimental to the life of a trans person.
It Could Be a Negative Spiral for the Co-worker
This participant is very much under the impression that this could be the beginning of a negative spiral for OP’s co-worker. Hopefully, the people in the workplace are understanding and take no issue with the new information. OP seems very concerned about what they did, and this sympathetic attitude is hopefully reflected by the rest of the workplace.
OP Was Too Insistent
There are several commenters who believed that OP was too insistent for an initial interaction.
“YTA. First, you were wrong for asking a bunch of intrusive questions that weren’t any of your business. And then, on top of that, you’re still making the whole issue about your feelings. Just leave the poor trans guy alone and learn to mind your own business.”
You Should Detach From Personal Life in the Workplace
It is true that many people do and should detach their personal lives from their workplace. Ultimately, OP was probably just trying to be friendly, so there were no ill intentions. However, it is probably a lesson for OP to not be so inquisitive with people they don’t know from now on.
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