Family relationships are complicated. Add the stress of integrating into a spouse’s family; you can easily have the recipe for war. However, one woman discovered that going no contact can be more challenging than one might think.
First Signs
“Cheryl” says that her husband’s family is a close-knit group of around ten people who hang out every Friday and Saturday. She says that her husband, “Andrew” has never felt entirely welcome and doesn’t visit every week.
When Cheryl met Andrew, his mother was so distraught over him going on a trip that she printed him a t-shirt with her face on it and told him he was “breaking her heart.”
Losing
Cheryl says that when she and Andrew decided to move in together, her mother-in-law, whom we’ll call “Tammy,” went crazy because she would lose the rent her son paid. Andrew refused when she demanded an extra month’s pay, which caused them to not talk to one another for a few months. Eventually, the two of them came to an agreement, and Andrew gave her half the amount she was used to getting.
Fraud
When Cheryl and Andrew went to buy a house, they discovered that Tammy had taken a credit card out in Andrew’s name and racked up $5,000 in debt. This debt left them without the mortgage amount they might have been able to get without the added financial burden. This issue caused another two-month gap of no communication.
Cheryl and Andrew eventually had a baby and, as you can imagine, were exhausted when they brought their little one home from the hospital. That same night, Tammy showed up at 9 p.m. Not to mention Andrew’s family is more than happy to tell the new parents their opinion on everything when it comes to the baby. His parents even refer to the little one as “theirs.”
Havoc
Recently, Tammy was due to stop by for dinner and called on her way to inform Andrew and Cheryl that she was going shopping first. They politely asked her to postpone shopping until the next day and come over since dinner was ready.
She refused and continued with her shopping trip, causing Andrew to tell her not to come over. Tammy felt slighted and took Andrew’s decision to mean she wasn’t welcome at their home. This misunderstanding, in turn, led to six weeks of them not talking.
During this time, Andrew’s family took every opportunity to call them nasty names, threaten to spit in their faces, say that Cheryl was controlling Andrew, and even threaten legal action to see their baby. This abusive contact included his Nan texting Andrew to tell him he wasn’t part of the family.
No Contact
As Christmas approached, Andrew and Cheryl squashed the previous disagreements and let things go. Tammy didn’t feel the same. She got angry with the new parents for not attending an event they didn’t know about and said that Andrew wasn’t trying hard enough. Cheryl agrees this is true but says Andrew hasn’t felt the need to engage with his family after all the drama and nastiness they’ve thrown at him and his wife.
This whole situation led Andrew to text his family, explain everything — including the credit card fraud — and then tell them that he had no interest in talking to any of them. This text led to backlash as Andrew’s Nan told him he should be grateful for everything his mom took care of for him, and his Granddad even called him a very nasty and inappropriate name. Generally, everyone in Andrew’s family called him horrible, and boy, did the comments flow in for this one!
Charges
One contributor thought Andrew should file a police report. “Not overreacting.
I’d press charges for the credit card fraud.”
Underreacting
Another person agreed, saying, “You’re under-reacting. The time to cut her and her loyal entourage off was when she committed fraud and ran up debt in his name. If the statute of limitations hasn’t passed, you could still press charges for that, BTW.”
Despicable
Someone thought Tammy was fortunate. “You are not overreacting. Your MIL is despicable, and she is lucky Andrew hasn’t pressed charges for credit card fraud.
Is there a reason you both haven’t gone NC with this woman? She sounds absolutely vile and seems to add nothing but hurt and stress to your lives.”
Treated Better
Another forum user offered their perspective. “Do you feel anxious because you don’t know what will happen next? Her behavior is abusive and erratic. You both deserve to be treated a lot better.”
Transactional Love
Some sage advice came from one individual. “Please remember that his family’s shenanigans may have a toxic effect on your child. MIL treats love, approval & affection as commodities to take away whenever someone misbehaves or disobeys her. This environment is not healthy for anyone, but most especially those who are frozen out. You should not expose your little one to any of this, and please do not let her teach your child that love is transactional.”
Credit
One participant had the forethought to offer this point. “Only thing you missed is also to lock down the baby’s credit. Never know when Grandma is going to want some new Uggs.”
Happy Family
One user got straight to the point. “You deserve a happy life. Andrew seems supportive and kind. You can be a happy couple with happy kids without his evil family. You don’t need them.
Family is more than DNA. Family is the friends you choose to surround yourself with and those who love you.”
No Contact
Another individual commented, “You should have gone no contact when she committed fraud, ruined his credit and your chances of getting the future you wanted. You should have gone no contact the second she threatened to take your child. Block them all and start documenting everything in a binder. You are under-reacting. They will continue to behave like this because they know they can have a tantrum, and you’ll forgive and forget. CONSEQUENCES, ALL ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES, YET THEY HAVE FACED NONE.”
Narcissist
One forum observer was quick to point out, “Tammy is a narcissist, and she has a whole wagonload of flying monkeys. It seems Andrew has a solid gold spine, but I think you need to tell him he’s doing a great job in protecting you and your son/daughter, and it’s now time to drop the rope and go no contact this will help you to heal, have space and time to fully understand that they are all toxic. Best wishes to you both and your baby.”
Peaceful
Another person wants Cheryl and Andrew to strive for peace. “You, your husband, and your child need a safe, peaceful, loving home with your own family traditions and exciting activities to make memories as a family unit. You do not need an extended family who bully and guilt to control you into doing things their way on their terms. You and your husband are adults and entitled to live as you see fit.”
Lawyer Up
One commenter suggested legal counsel. “As someone else suggested, if she mentions legal action to impose grandparent rights, immediately cut all contact. Check with a lawyer to see what rights she might be entitled to.”
Control
Another participant pointed out all of Tammy’s control issues. “Tammy uses ‘close-knit’ to hide that she’s in control. She wants weekly attendance at her court to keep everyone under control and get her reports to see who is showing signs of getting out. That’s why she got angry at Andrew for traveling–he’d be out of her reach and might see that her behavior was abuse.
The complaining about the wedding is her wanting to be in control. Taking time off work when you had a baby without asking if you wanted her to visit is controlling behavior. Showing up at your house the first night that late that’s controlling behavior; abusers do this when we are vulnerable, expecting we will be too tired to think about how wrong their behavior is, and just let them in.
The words they use to take ownership of your child verbally are controlling behavior to make you accept that this child belongs to them, not you, and that they get to take control, not you. Not coming to dinner to go shopping is another way to tell you she’s in control, not you.”
Horrible
A third individual shared their thoughts. “The stealing his identity to use his credit, that’s a crime, and she ought to be charged and made to pay so he can have that off his records. The demand that he pay her rent when he didn’t live there, that’s financial abuse, too. Emotional abuse is all over this relationship in many ways. You’ve had verbal abuse, threats of physical abuse, and legal action. She’s horrible.”
Mental Health
A third commenter said, “I think you’re underreacting. These people do not deserve a relationship with you, Andrew, or your child. You will never be at peace with them criticizing and pressuring you in the background.
I know it’s so unfair, and it’s so upsetting. People like that will never see your side. They’ll never genuinely apologize and never be happy for you. The toll this must take on your happiness and mental health is serious.”
Grandparent’s Rights
Several users informed Cheryl about states that support Grandparent’s Rights. “Personally, however, when she threatened you about her legal rights, you should’ve cut off all contact and spoken to a lawyer. She’s referencing Grandparents’ Rights, and some states support them. This issue means that regardless of how toxic she may be, a court order would force you to see them/allow visits.”
Seeing Through The Haze
Toxic relationships can be some of the hardest to deal with because the person who suffers the abuse has no idea that anything’s wrong. An outside perspective is only good if you can get the victim to acknowledge something is wrong.
Cheryl and Andrew are on the right track by going no contact, but it’ll take Andrew a lot of standing up, again and again, to sever these relationships ingrained as part of his upbringing. Only after that happens will Cheryl and Andrew be able to put this behind them and create the sort of family they want going forward.
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