Mornings. Sometimes they can be hard to deal with until you have your first shot of caffeine.
Mix in a spoonful of humour with these 100 coffee jokes and set yourself up for a great day.
1. Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.
2. What do you call sad coffee?
3. What’s the best Beatles song?
4. Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
5. How does Moses make his coffee?
6. What did the coffee lover name her son?
7. What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
8. How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
9. What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
10. If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.
11. How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
12. Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.
13. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
14. What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
15. I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.
16. My coffee was arrested today. The police said they are going to take its mug shot.
17. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
18. Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
19. How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!
20. What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
21. What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you?
I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
22. Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
23. How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded!
24. What’s the opposite of coffee?
25. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
26. What did the barista’s Valentine say?
I can’t espresso my love for you.
27. What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
28. What’s fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
29. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
30. What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
“What’s Sumatra with you?”
31. I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.
32. Why should you be wary of 5-cent espresso?
It’s a cheap shot.
33. What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
The ground floor.
34. Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
35. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
Raw raw raw raw raw.
36. A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
37. I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker.
It has a lot of perks.
38. A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
39. What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
40. I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?” She replied, “Yeah…” “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
41. “Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
42. People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
43. Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.
44. I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.
45. How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee
46. What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song?
Hit Me With your Best Shot!
47. What is your favorite Bob Marley song?
Don’t Worry, Be Frappé.
48. How did Henry VIII like his coffee?
49. What’s a barista’s favorite morning mantra?
Rise and grind!
50. What did the coffees say before their night out?
Let’s stir up some trouble!
51. What’s a barista’s favorite exercise at the gym?
The French press.
52. A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm. At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”
53. I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car. Now everyone waves at me
54. Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard. Good news: It’s all under control
55. What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can’t remember either.
56. Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s.
Never heard that one before
57. Did you see the Tom Hanks film about coffee?
It’s called Sleepless in Seattle
58. A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one dollar more’.
59. How do they get coffee to the arctic?
The Polar Espresso
60. My waiter just spilled coffee all over me. I know it was just an accident, but I’m still bitter.
61. My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work. He didn’t suffer, it was instant.
62. What happened when Moses banged his shin into the corner of the coffee table?
63. Where do Russians buy their coffee? Tsarbucks
64. When should you stop pouring milk into the coffee?
Before it is too latte
65. Ever notice that when you serve someone a cold cup of coffee, it makes them boiling mad?
66. My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch, £1.50 for coffee,….
So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”
67. A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee…
He was charged for resisting a rest.
68. Did you hear about the guy breaking into peoples houses and drinking all their coffee?
I don’t know how he sleeps at night!
69. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
70. What do rappers like to add to their coffee?
Two pack sugar.
71. Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.
One of them isn’t Happy.
72. My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I said … “I drink it”
73. I just made the best cup of coffee.
It was simply incredi*brew*.
74. What competition do the best coffee makers try to win?
The coffee cup
75. Why did the gardener save his coffee grounds?
For sedimental reasons.
76. Who is Al Pacino’s coffee-loving brother?
77. Why was the coffee server so good in conversations?
She was good at espresso-ing herself.
78. When do mechanics drink coffee?
When they are on a brake…
79. How often do coffee lovers think about coffee?
They think about it a latte.
80. Why did the coffee quit playing sports?
It always got creamed.
81. What type of coffee do vampires drink?
82. Why did the rabbit stop drinking coffee?
It made it too jumpy.
83. What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
Their friendship came to a bitter end
84. What should every barista say to their customers?
Have a brew-tiful day.
85. Why was the coffee-shop worker fired?
He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
86. What did the coffee say to its date?
Hey there, hot stuff.
87. What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day?
We were meant to bean together.
88. Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be a cup coffee or a cup of tea?
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Customer: It tastes like gasoline!
Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.
89. What does the Cat in the Hat use to make his coffee?
90. Where do college basketball players always get their coffee?
91. Why did the barista enjoy his holiday?
Because he had a latte memories
92. Did you watch the documentary about coffee?
It’s a real eye opener.
93. Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real. I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.
94. Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
95. Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
t can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
96. What do you call an espresso with a cold?
97. I insulted an espresso yesterday.
It was a really good roast.
98. Where did the mummy drink his espresso?
In his Sar-coffee-gus
99. What happens when you don’t have your morning espresso?
You lose your tamper.
100. My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she’s back. She just went to get coffee
It’s time to seek out a refill. Hope you had a latte laughs but it’s time to make like tea and…leaf.