Harry Potter has stirred up a magical storm, yet he looks so serious. It’s time to lighten up and brew up a spell of laughter with these jokes.
Enjoy the comedy wizardry…
1. How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
2. How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
Just one. She puts her wand in and the cauldron revolves around her.
3. Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over Facebook?
Because he has only followers, not friends.
4. If a wizard gets robbed by a Muggle, has he been Muggled?
5. What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
6. Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor?
Because he can’t control his pupils.
7. I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I’m about to get lucky.
8. Do you like Harry Potter?
Because I a-Dumbledore you!
9. Are you a Dementor?
You just took my breath away.
10. Why did Severus Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’d never know which side he was on.
11. What do you call a postal carrier who can speak to packages?
A parcel tongue.
12. Harry Potter puns can Slytherin to any conversation.
13. Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
14. Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
Because he was cursing in class.
15. What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
“Why so Sirius?”
16. How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
17. What do you call the entrance to a magical gym?
A dumbbell door.
18. I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted.
The fifth one was dead Sirius.
19. How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favorite sport?
A quid each.
20. Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn’t want to elect Ron.
21. On a scale of one to 10, how obsessed with the Harry Potter Series am I?
Nine and three quarters.
22. Knock, knock.
Exactly, Avada kedavra!
23. Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
24. I love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the chapter “The Deathday Party,” I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick.
He was a very poorly executed character.
25. How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He holds it and the world revolves around him.
26. How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb. One to rotate the room.
27. How many Muggles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. It is the only thing they are good for.
28. How many Purebloods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
What’s a lightbulb?
29. A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool, and sits down.
He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “Hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?”
The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you. You are speaking to a Hufflepuff. The man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion, and we all have our wands drawn.
Do you really want to continue?”
The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”
30. How does Harry Potter enter a room?
Through the Gryffin-door.
31. Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding?
Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol-man.
32. How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking. J/K, rolling.
33.” Harry, your godfather is dead.”
“Are you serious?!?”
“Yep. Dead Sirius.”
34. “Harry, your godfather is dead.”
“Are you serious?!?”
“No, I’m Snape.”
35.Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
36. Yo mamma has such a sweet tooth, her Patronus is a cake.
37. Why doesn’t snape teach herbology?
Because his lily died.
38. How does Harry’s monthly grocery basket take next to no time when ordering online?
39. Hows does Voldemort enter a room?
He slithers in.
40. Why is herbology Slytherin students’ favorite class?
Because it’s in the greenhouse.
41. Who/what is this?
Those I defend I do not love,
And those I fight I cannot hate.
The one who hates me most
Is the one I will die to protect.
42. Who/what is this?
I was the pride of those who owned me,
And a murder sealed my fate,
For years my true identity went unknown,
And my end was brought by the one
Who stopped me from finishing off my foe.
Answer: Slytherin Locket
43. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potions pot and his best friend?
They’re both cauldron.
44. Did you survive Avada Kedavra?
Because you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
45. What does Harry Potter have that The Dark Lord doesn’t?
46. What did Hermione do when Harry and Ron took the flying car to school?
47. Where might you find Dumbledore’s Army?
Up his sleeve-y!
48. The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.”
Hermione walks into a pub with a Time-Turner.
49. How do you know if someone is a pureblood?
Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you.
50. Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
No reason. But we’re sure someone will still write fan-fiction about it.
51. Is your name Oliver Wood?
Because you’re definitely a keeper.
52. Harry Potter fans be like: “I wanna go to Hogwarts!”
Narnia fans be like: “I wanna go to Narnia!”
Hunger Games fans be like: “I’m good…”
53. What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?
Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
54. Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub.
The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”
The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
55. What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth?
56. Which side of a centaur has more hair?
57. Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?
Because she gives him hugs and kisses.
58. What is Aragog’s favorite day of the week?
59. What is bigfoot’s favorite book?
60. What do you call a Potterhead on a horse?
61. What would you call a reality show where Sirius Black adopted the Weasley children?
Orange Is the New Black.
62. How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale?
Weasley twins are 50 percent off.
63. What did Harry say to Hermione when she lent him a galleon?
“Thanks for the gold kind, Granger.”
64. If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?
Hermitwo and Hermithree.
65. Why doesn’t Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?
Offshore investment gains a better return.
66. Why does Ron love his pet rat so much?
It’s the pet-he-grew up with! (Get it? Pettigrew!)
67. Why did Ron lose the election?
People thought his elect-Ron campaign was too negative.
68. Why couldn’t Harry find Hermione?
He was looking in all the Ron places.
69. Ron lives a long, happy life and then dies. What does he reincarnate as?
70. Roses are red, violets are blue…
If you don’t like Harry Potter puns, something is Siriusly Ron with you.
71. What’s the difference between Harry Potter and a spelling bee contestant?
One conjures spells and the other spells conjure.
72. In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws them out. What does he say?
“You’re a blizzard, Harry!”
73. What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?Expellianus.
74. Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?Because he spoke python.
75. What kind of drink would Harry Potter order at a bar?
76. What happens when Harry Potter says accidental?
Someone loses a tooth.
77. What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell?
78. What do you call a Hufflepuff with two brain cells?
79. What did the golden snitch say when Harry Potter was itchy?
80. How many Hufflepuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All of them
81. Why did Death Eaters cross the road?
The Dark Lord ordered it.
82. I named my lizard “Harry” just so I can say “You’re a lizard Harry!”
83. My mate’s recently lost his job as a wizard, he’s going through a bad spell at the moment.
84. Snape: VOLDEMORTS COMING!!!!
Dumbledore: Are you serious?
Snape: No, I’m Severus.
85. What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?
86. What is Harry Potter’s favourite song?
I Put A Spell On You.
87. What’s a wizard’s favourite kind of cereal?
88. Do you know anyone who could teach me to play Quiddich?
I’m sure Oliver Wood.
89. Knock knock.
Harry up it’s getting cold out here!
90. Knock knock.
This dumb o’l door won’t open, please let me in!
91. Who’s there?
He who must not be named.
He who must not be named who?
I can’t say who, that’s the whole point!
92. Knock knock.
*Hedwig flies away*
93. Why did Snape cross the road twice?
He’s a double crosser!
94. How does Voldemort know Nagini likes him?
She gives him hugs and hisses!
95. A wizard walks into the Three Broomsticks and orders a forgetfulness potion. He turns to the wizard beside him and says, “So, do I come here often?”
96. Why is Garrick Ollivander never home?
He’s a wanderer!
97. Which Hogwarts master gets the blame for everything that goes wrong?
98. Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?
They were following Draco.
99. Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?
Because he has a Longbottom.
100. Where did the pig go to school?
Okay. It’s time to put down the wand that conjured up these jokes. We don’t want to keep dragon them on.