We’re curious about the biggest doozies you ever heard about why someone was unfaithful. Some of these people do have really long necks!
Kicked the Big C – Both of Them
“‘You are dying! Do you really want me alone when you are dead?’ I was fighting cancer. He also told me that I was disgusting and he felt gross touching me. Luckily, both types of cancer are out of my life.”
Phone Philanderer
“’You didn’t answer your phone, was I supposed to spend Saturday night alone??’ ‘I was at work, and so were you. We worked together, you moron.’”
Marriage Moron
“She met someone that she immediately saw herself marrying. A month after we broke up, she moved across the country, got married, called me to tell me she made a mistake, got divorced, moved back home, got pregnant, and then got married again. Her current age is 22.”
Illogical
“He said that he cheated on me because I wanted to do it too much.”
“More than 5 years later, I still can’t find any logic in that.”
Honesty is the Best Policy… Kind Of
“Her response once I caught her was that she was flat-out wanting it. But after I said that’s why you have a boyfriend, it was kinda funny how she went dead silent.”
Ties That Bind
“‘It’s not like we’re married.’ Apparently, I can’t expect respect from someone who goes from calling me ‘love of my life’ to other flattering names when he comes back to town.”
That Old Chestnut
“‘It’s not what you think it is!’ After I walked in on them making out. While she was on his lap. Both without shirts.”
Death Becomes Him
“My ex-girlfriend said, ‘I forgot you were alive.’ For details, I wasn’t in the military, I was in university.”
Lupus Loopiness
“‘I have needs you aren’t helping me with!’ Said to me the day I got home from spending a week in the hospital with kidney failure (lupus).”
A Girl On Every Port
“Well, I know this guy that was convinced he was in an open relationship, except he forgot to let his girlfriend know…. She found out 7 years into the ‘open relationship.’ With multiple women on 4 continents. Oh, he also had a book where he’d categorize them.”
It’s Santa’s Fault
“I can’t stop cheating, I just have so many issues, my mom lied about Santa when I was a kid, and it really messed me up. I don’t think I can trust people because of it, so I cheat.”
Arguably the most hilarious excuse on this list.
Sandwich Sadness
“‘It’s like if you order the same Subway sandwich for a year, you’ll eventually get bored of it. But you try another flavor, and when you go back to the original one, it’s better than you remembered.’ Felt not so good being compared to a 6-inch BLT, tbh.”
Onion Objectification
“I got “I found better” and ‘I didn’t know I could get someone like her’… Then later tells me she talks to and names inanimate objects and has an onion who has been her BFF since Covid started.”
Party Pooper
“He said it was my fault for not being at that party with him. Even though I wasn’t invited and he didn’t tell me he was going.”
The “Robinson Crusoe Defence”
“‘I didn’t view it as cheating at the moment; I was exploring a part of myself.’ Exploring a part of someone else too…”
Baby Blues
“I was pregnant again after a traumatic 18-week loss. He said, ‘You weren’t the same after that. You were a complete basket case and paranoid.’ Paranoid that I might lose another baby. Thanks for the support.”
Double Standards
“I’m bi. My ex was gay. Bisexuals still get a bad rep for supposedly being ultra-promiscuous. He was afraid I might cheat on him because of that, so he cheated on me first to “lessen the blow’.”
Biblical Baby
“She told me an angel came to her in a dream and told her she would give birth to the Messiah.” A creative excuse, if nothing else.
The Stats Don’t Lie
“He couldn’t get me off and wanted to know that he wasn’t totally worthless as a man (his words, mind you)…
He reassured himself with seven other partners, so I guess he was looking for statistically significant results.”
Tick Removal Service
“As a gay man in the Midwest who’s experienced this before, I’d say the dumbest excuse was ‘we were checking each other for ticks.’
…with mouths??”
Disagreeable Body Parts
“I’m monogamous, but my body part isn’t.”
Another user weighed in on this surprisingly common excuse: “Oh my God, he hit you with the community property excuse.”
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