Imagine for a second a reality where bears offer bear hugs. Sharks greet us with toothy grins, and lions purr like giant kittens. What if all animals really just wanted a cuddle, and danger was as strange a concept as pineapple on pizza? (We’ll save that debate for another day.) Within this whimsical wonderland, we found the answer to the internet’s most intriguing question: “What animal would you pet if they weren’t dangerous?”
So gather ’round, fellow animal lovers, as we dive into the zany, untamed, and irresistibly fuzzy world of imaginary petting.
Beautiful Bears
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“BEARS, they are literally a friend-shaped mass of death. But I want to hug one.”
“100%. It’s the pet I wish I could have. Why is it friend-shaped if it’s not a friend?”
“The polar bear feels the same way about you, life’s too short not to make friends.”
Not Enough
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“All of them.”
“I’ve worked at an animal sanctuary, and it was hard to resist. I remember one day slowly following a mostly feral pack of wolves around their enclosure because I wanted to pet them. I could not pet them, but I’m also not dead, so it’s alright. I can tell you, though, camels give the best hugs.”
Terrific Tigers
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“A tiger, or polar bear.”
“I’ve petted a tiger. Their hair is coarser than it looks.”
“I’m a tiger attack survivor. I mean, yeah, it was a cub, but it left a couple of bruises on my forearm.”
Any Cat
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“All of the big cats.”
“Also, the world’s smallest wildcat, the desert sand cat. 6 lbs of murder. Good kitty.”
Wonderful Wolves
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“Wolf.”
“If they existed still, Dire Wolves. Gimme those absolute rides-into-battle good boys.”
“I know a girl who had a wolfdog. A dog and wolf hybrid. Not sure what the dog half was, but that thing was HUGE. And, quite frankly, extremely intimidating. I have no idea how she managed to keep control of it, considering the wolfdog was like twice her size.”
Pretty Porcupines
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“Porcupines. They seem like they have a cuddly disposition but can’t actually cuddle. Sad.”
“About 20 years ago, I went to a zoo, and they had African Crested porcupines. We got to feed them peanuts and pet their little heads. They were so cute! I really can’t remember where the zoo was, but I know it was in Ontario, Canada.”
Cute Cheetahs
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“Cheetah.”
“Cheetahs are not usually hostile towards humans. Still, not a good idea to try to pet a wild one, but you can totally pet one that was raised in captivity.”
“It’s so unfair that Pallas Cats/Manuls are wild. They’re the definition of friend-shaped and look cranky/grumpy. I just wanna hug them. And the way they stand on their tails is just so darn adorable.”
Rare Raccoons
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“Raccoons! Fuzzy little bandit teddies.”
“I did pet a raccoon once when I was a kid on a camping trip. Their fur is coarser than you might think. That is high up on the list of stupidest things I’ve done.”
Hilarious Hippos
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“Hippomopotami are sick as hell. Don’t you tell me how to spell hippopotamus.”
“This was on my list too, and I got to feed and pet a hippo a few years ago. Will not forget that experience.”
Cool Komodos
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“Komodo dragon.”
“I’m surprised I didn’t have to scroll that far down to see this answer. It’s my pick, too; they are just way such awesome and powerful creatures, and biologists have no idea how they evolved to the point they don’t have nor need a caring gland.”
Marvelous Mountain Lions
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“Mountain Lions. I do what I want, and you will not tell me not to, Oklahoma Department of Wildlife.”
“Niche joke, and I like it a lot.”
Dastardly Dinos
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“T-Rex.”
“Didn’t have to scroll long to see this.”
Awful Assumption
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“Bold of you to assume I’ve never given dangerous animals pats.”
“What’s the most dangerous you’ve pet?”
“Aggro emu at Dreamworld probably wins that one. I don’t know if it’s still there these days, but they used to have this absolute unit that hated cameras because people were idiots and had the flash on. Didn’t mind me too much, probably remembered the times I fed it.”
Super Sloth
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“A sloth. These dudes know how to hug.”
“I saw a YT video of an animal rehabber being ‘attacked’ by an angry male sloth getting territorial… and it was every bit as adorably pathetic as you’d imagine. It had the windup time of a Souls boss and the striking power of Glass Joe. The rehabber was clearly trying not to laugh at its impotent rage.”
Special Snails
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“Cone snail. I am left only to grieve and pine for the day when I can express gracious selfless love to the forbidden mollusk.”
“First read this as ‘express gracious self-love to the forbidden mollusk’ and thought this thread was taking quite a different turn.”
“Forbidden Mollusk is a great band name.”
Another S Animal
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“Skunk. I had one wander into my garage last week. It looked incredibly fluffy. But I wasn’t going anywhere near it.”
“Skunks can be very sweet and friendly. The babies are cute.”
“I have a friend who lives deep in the country and is surrounded by wild animals that frequently visit her yard. She’s had many pets, including a skunk. That thing was so darn cute and cuddly.”
So Cute
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“I always wanted a pet squirrel as a kid. Gotta go with squirrels.”
“My aunt found a baby squirrel and fed it until it was old enough to go outside. It would jump on your shoulder and run down your arm for pets when you were nearby. They are super good and soft to pet especially when they climb under your jacket for snuggles.”
False Name
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“Honey badger.”
“They also don’t give honey; it’s actually quite a deceiving name for the little fellas.”
Problem Pandas
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“A panda, not everyone knows, but pandas are as dangerous as any bears, so it’s possible that you will be bitten by a panda if you aren’t careful.”
“If I had the choice of facing a panda versus literally any other bear in existence, I’m choosing the one that can’t take two steps without falling over.”
Pretty Platypus
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“Platypus, apparently, they do be spicy.”
“Only the males. They have a venomous spur on their dewclaw (or whatever they have that’s equivalent), and apparently, envenomation is so painful it’s left some victims begging for amputation or death. It’s not lethal, though, and does wear off.”
Crazy Koalas
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“Koalas.”
“They pee on you.”
“You can let them. Hold them, even.”
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