Divorces and remarriages are never easy on young kids, teens, or adults. An adult child of divorced parents, Sally, is trying to navigate a complicated relationship with her father and stepmother, and things seem to be going from bad to worse.
A Strained Relationship
Sally’s parents divorced 14 years ago after her father had a five-year affair with his current wife. The divorce was acrimonious, and he treated her mom terribly. Sally was so angry with him that she ceased all contact for more than four years. Before he passed away, she promised her paternal grandfather that she would try to make amends with her father.
An Attempt to Rebuild
She gradually tried rebuilding a relationship with her father. Still, things between them were strained because Sally had difficulty trusting him. She also doesn’t like her stepmother. Sally tried to get along with her, but they had nothing in common. Her stepmother gossips, while Sally is more interested in current events, science, and psychology.
Monthly Visits
Until three years ago, Sally lived near her father and stepmother and tried to visit them monthly. She has since moved a four-hour drive away and can only see them a few times a year. During one of these visits a few years ago, her stepmother started badmouthing Sally’s half-sister, who has a mental illness. The stepmother claimed if she had raised her, she wouldn’t have been a troubled child and that Sally’s mom was at fault for mismanaging her mental illness.
A Widening Rift
Sally became angry with her stepmother and told her she didn’t know what she was talking about since she wasn’t there. Since then, her stepmother refuses to acknowledge her when they’re together. Sally asked her father to intervene, but he refused and told her they needed to work it out among themselves. She said that if that’s his solution, she would only visit him if his wife wasn’t around.
The Final Standoff
Her father insisted she’s overly dramatic, and if his wife isn’t welcome, he won’t see her, either. Sally told him they wouldn’t see each other if he didn’t see her without his wife. She loves her father but won’t tolerate her stepmother’s disrespect. Sally feels conflicted about her decision not to see her father. She asked an internet chat group if she was being unreasonable, and they offered their advice.
Stand Up for Yourself
“There’s nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated with courtesy and respect. Don’t allow people into your life that treat you poorly or will stand for others treating you poorly,” someone counsels. “It doesn’t matter if they’re related to you or not.”
Don’t Need the Drama
“Her stepmother behaved horribly towards Sally, but her dad couldn’t be bothered to do the right thing and visit her without his wife. She doesn’t need that level of drama in her life,” a person in the thread remarks. “She’s better off going with no contact than putting up with being disrespected.”
She Tried Her Best
An individual in the discussion gives Sally credit for trying to rebuild a relationship with her father. “If her stepmother ignores her, and her father pretends it isn’t a problem, then there’s nothing more Sally can do. They could try to reconnect when her father starts to consider his daughter’s feelings.”
No Obligations
“He’s not an honest person in the way he treated your mom. She’s not a nice person for judging how your mom raised you and your sister,” a user writes. “If the stepmother gives Sally the cold shoulder for calling her out, and her father goes along with his wife, you have no obligation to hang out with them. Your dad is avoiding his responsibility to you.”
Don’t Lose Sleep
“The stepmother sounds like someone who should be avoided at all costs,” a contributor cautions. “Sally should keep trying to have a relationship with her dad and not lose sleep over her stepmother. If his wife insisted on making rude comments, she should have expected a negative response.”
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