Breakups are unpleasant and can often leave us feeling shattered, destroyed, and scarred – and hesitant to jump into another relationship any time soon!
But with every experience – good or bad – comes a lesson that can prove priceless. An online community shared their relationship pearls of wisdom.
You Can’t Make Someone Love You
As the famous song by Bonnie Raitt goes, ‘I can’t make you love me.’ Sometimes we can be the best partner possible and ‘tick all the boxes, as it were, but love isn’t guaranteed.’
One user shared their experience: “This happens on both sides: You can’t make someone love you.”
They either do or they don’t, and there’s nothing we can do to change their mind.
Tell-tale Signs Are There From The Beginning
The things that annoy you at the beginning of a relationship often wind up being why you leave.
One member stated: “The problems that end the relationship are often staring you in the face from the beginning.” Red flags are always, always hiding in plain sight.
Money Matters
While society would like us to believe that money is trivial, it plays an essential role in a relationship’s well-being.
“Pick someone that has a similar money philosophy and goals. A spender and a saver or unaligned goals is a mixed marriage waiting for a divorce.”
Maintain Your Independence
One sharer explained the importance of being your person: “Never go all-in on someone. Have your own life, money, identity, and interests because even the strongest and healthiest relationships can come crashing down.”
They said, “Don’t be caught completely tied to a life that might not exist tomorrow.” This is a sobering thought.
Get To Know Yourself
Spending time alone is the only way to get to know yourself, sometimes this means being single for a while.
“Spend more time alone, and get to know yourself, warts and all, and look to improve yourself, and ask yourself what you want to do with your life (this is number one importance), and in the pursuit of your independence and happiness you will attract the right people at the right time.”
Don’t Settle
Contrary to outdated beliefs, relationships do not complete us. We are whole from the beginning. This means not settling for less than you deserve for the sake of having a partner.
“Each one taught me something different. In general, though, they all taught me more about what I didn’t want in a partner than what I did.”
Dealbreakers Are Dealbreakers
It’s okay to call it a day if it doesn’t feel right. The reason doesn’t have to be dramatic.
One user said, “The reason you broke it off doesn’t need to be extreme, like the person being abusive or a cheater. It can be that your life goals just don’t align.” And that’s okay.
Values Must Align
“I’ve always heard that you’re marrying a person and their values, it doesn’t matter as much if your hobbies and interests don’t align, but your values absolutely must.”
The myth that opposites attract is just that – a myth. While hobbies and tastes can (and often should) differ, core values regarding healthy, compatible relationships are non-negotiable.
Be Realistic
One of the most significant relationship mistakes is getting involved with someone because of their potential – or staying with someone because of who they used to be. People change, and sometimes that means a parting of ways.
“You have to take care of yourself. You can’t stay with someone because you’re in love with who they might be or who they once were,” were one user’s wise words.
Intimacy
Yes, there’s far more to a relationship than bedroom activities, but being compatible is an underrated factor.
“Don’t underestimate the value of good intimacy as a kind of ‘glue’ in a relationship. It’s far more likely that a relationship will die from lack of intimacy than a relationship with lots of good activity. It’s hard to stay mad at someone who makes you feel good.”
Love Isn’t Enough
The Beatles may have told us that ‘all you need is love,’ and while the sentiment is admirable, it’s not exactly true.
Realistically love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship: “Two people can love each other intensely, and it still can be ‘not meant to be.’”
Relationships Won’t “Save” You (Or Them)
We all have our baggage, and we’ve all seen the movies where a person finds their soulmate, and all of a sudden, everything is rosy.
Sadly it’s not this simple. “Nobody is going to save you, so don’t look for a savior,” one online forum member shared.
Relationships are not fairy tales. We can only save ourselves and those who can’t go to therapy before expecting a relationship to provide them with everything they need.
Sometimes Love Simply Dies
Humans are evolutionary creatures; we grow, move, expand, and evolve – and sometimes, that means letting go of things to level up for the next stage of the game.
“Some relationships have a shelf life. People change, and life changes things for you. People grow at different rates. All I know is that I found ‘the one’ several times. They were just ‘the one’ for a moment in time.”
Pain Is A Great Teacher
With every scare, there is a lesson. “I learned that every person you are close to leaves a mark on your life. You are different because they were in your life, and there is no way around that.”
There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Single
Ignore the nay-sayers and pressure from your relatives! Being single has many, many blessings and, indeed, shouldn’t be demonized.
“I’ve learned I can’t pick a decent partner, so I stay single. It’s easier. I don’t get lonely, and I’d much rather be alone. I have a kid and a pup. I’m perfectly content with life.”
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