OP (30f) had a son named Mike (4m) with her old college boyfriend, Jason (31m), who ghosted her before she could tell him she was pregnant. Amanda (30f), Jason’s friend, convinced him that OP was cheating on him, and he posted a hurtful message about her on social media before blocking her and most of their mutual friends.
OP tried to contact Jason multiple times during her pregnancy and after Mike was born but was unsuccessful. She eventually met and married Dan (36m), who was willing to adopt Mike as his own son. Jason later reached out to OP and apologized for believing Amanda’s lies, and they agreed to let him meet Mike.
However, Jason now wants to be recognized as Mike’s “real” father and have a say in his life. OP is hesitant, as Dan is the one who has been helping raise Mike, and she believes that if Jason had not ghosted her, he would not be in this situation. Dan thinks it’s wrong to keep Jason out completely, but they both agree that Mike may be too young to understand the situation fully.
The Uncle Option
The Op suggested in an edit that they would be willing to offer the biological father (Jason) the option of being an uncle instead. Considering he has already been legally adopted by OP’s partner Mike, it seems to make more sense:
“NTA. You followed court instructions, and your husband’s adoption of Mike was approved. Dan is his father, legally and in spirit. Mr. Late to the Party should be grateful you’re offering up the Uncle option. That’s really more than he is entitled to at this point. You can tell Mike about it more when he’s older, and he can choose what kind of a relationship he wants with him at that point.”
This Redditor accurately summarised what a number of the commenters felt. There is the legal issue with Mike being raised by his adopted father, and in the eyes of the court, Dan is responsible for him as his child, even if Jason is his father on Mike’s birth certificate.
Telling Mike The Truth
There is fierce debate in the comment section regarding Mike’s age and how much information he can handle. Many have advocated for waiting until Mike is old enough to understand before the situation is revealed to him, but some have made some other suggestions:
“But personally, I’d tell Mike about it when Jason is not around and sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t put it past Jason telling Mike about it, and even if you tell him later before he finds out, you might develop trust issues, especially during the teen years because of emotions and hormones. Ironically, being a kid might mean he’s more stable.”
This responder raises a very significant issue. Jason is already untrustworthy due to his abandonment of the family. Therefore, if he spends time with Mike, he may reveal his true relationship to him, which could turn Mike against his mother and adoptive father.
Another Redditor who is an adoptive child has a relevant perspective:
“As an adoptee with adopted kids, please don’t wait. You tell him so that he always knows, and you explain it in a way that is developmentally appropriate. You are asking for a world of trouble springing this on him later in life.”
It isn’t easy to contest the opinions of someone in Mike’s position. They suggest that Mike will be more hurt in the long run and more likely to turn against his family if he feels like he has been lied to for all of his childhood.
Again this valuable advice is critical as it is caveated with the appropriate warning that Mike should be informed in a way that person of his age and developmental level will understand. This would take the brunt of the issue away from the parental guardians and allow Mike to process this information in his own time. This was because Jason would have no way of manipulating Mike in later life.
MAN LEFT FUMING AFTER HIS WIFE REFUSES TO ATTEND STEPDAUGHTER’S WEDDING!