A man asked Reddit readers if he was an a**hole for placing his friend’s well-being over his fiancée’s. The poster explained that his best friend lost a parent a year and a half ago, and his group has been helping him get through it.
He goes on to say that his friend is very private, which has been a problem for his fiancée, who is a ‘busybody” and always pressing about what is up with his friend. She knows something has happened to him but does not know the detail.
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Fiancée is Always Pressing for Information
The issue has become an issue as the OP lives with his fiancée. When his friend comes over, he has to stop her eavesdropping, often moving to different rooms and avoiding conversations in her presence.
When the OP and his friends are together, they refer to the topic of his friend as the “Nolan Situation.” The Op explains that sometimes Nolan will stay over when he does not want to be on his own, and sometimes he will call or text or call, and the OP will chat with him as long as he needs.
The OP’s fiancée does not like these calls as they often wake her up, or she is worried when he is not in his bed when she wakes to go the bathroom.
The Fiancée Has Had Enough
Things came to a head when Nolan stopped by the house, which led to the OP’s fiancée saying she is fed up with all the sneaking around and she is feeling paranoid and untrusted. She told him that Nolan needed to stop relying on him so much and that she needed more attention.
He said, “no matter whether we’re married, dating, whatever, she will never have any ownership over my friend’s trauma, and she was never going to be able to order me around in regards to it.’
Immediately, the readers of Reddit called him out for being an a**hole, with one reader saying,” YTA Imagine everyone code talking around you, your fiancé stepping out.” Another said, “Yeah, “everyone in the house can know but you.” That’s just signaling exclusion…that she isn’t really ‘one of them.’ She shouldn’t be out-group in her own home.’
One person pointed out that the OP would feel different if the shoes were on the other foot. They said, “All I can think of is if she did this to OP. Friends are whispering every time he enters the room. The girl slips out of bed at 1 pm and meets up with someone. OP would lose it!”
The OP Tried to Explain
In an edit, the OP explained that his fiancée does know that Nolan lost a parent, but she does not know how much his mental health was in crisis afterward. He stressed that Nolan does not want her to know how he feels, so he needs her understanding.
Some Reddit readers were concerned about how the OP and his friends were furthering Nolan’s distress, with one saying, “Not to mention the fact that they are enabling Nolan to skulk around and avoid properly dealing with his grief. These guys are all clueless. smh poor woman.” Another said, “You’re telling me your friend is still waking you up in the middle of the night a couple of times a week to be comforted a year and a half after the loss.” I think we have to agree that while it is commendable that he is looking after his friend, he is alienating other people who are important in his life.
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Source: Reddit
