Penguins are so adorable. The way the waddle in their black and white suits. Makes you wish you could take one home and keep it in your freezer.
They inspire so much and we have rounded up a load of penguin jokes. So chuck on your mittens and scarf. We’re going Arctic…
1. Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank, of course!
2. What do you call a happy penguin?
3. Why don’t penguins like rock music?
Because they only like sole.
4. A local bartender was working late one Friday night when a patron comes running through the door.
Patron: “HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!”
The bartender puts out his hand and says “Probably this tall”
The patron looks terribly concerned and he says “Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!”
5. What do penguins like to wear on the beach?
6. How do you get in touch with a penguin?
Give him a wing.
7. What do penguins do when they want to hookup?
Net fish and chill
8. How does a group of penguins make a difficult decision?
9. When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly, my client is not a flight risk.”
10. Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe.
11. What is a penguin’s favourite dancing style?
12. What do penguins eat for lunch?
13. A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg.
When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him.
The narwhal comes and the penguin says, “Thank goodness you’re around Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?”
The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
“Ok, so what are your hobbies?”
14. What do you give to a penguin that’s ill?
Some medical tweetment.
15. Where do penguins go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
16. What do you call a cold penguin?
17. What does a penguin do when it loses its tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
18. What is a penguin’s favourite family member?
19. A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work
A week later when he’s feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.
“Praise God, it’s a miracle!” says the delighted zookeeper.
“Not really,” says the penguin, “Your name is written on the inside cover.”
20. The Russians just cancelled their undercover Penguin program…they found out America has NAVY Seals
21. How do you know if a penguin is sick?
It has to ice-olate
22. Who is the head of the penguin Navy?
23. Why did the two penguins jump when they first met?
They were trying to break the ice.
24. What would you call a penguin with no I?
25. Where do penguins go dancing?
The Snow Ball.
26. Why would a penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he isn’t a chicken.
27. What does a penguin eat on its birthday?
28. A penguin walks into a bar.
Penguin: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: No this is a bar, we serve beer, get out.
The next day, the penguin goes back into the same bar and sees the same bartender.
Penguin: Do you have any bread?
Bartender: No, I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we serve beer, now get out.
The day after that, the penguin walks into the same bar and sees the bartender again.
This time the bartender gets in first and says: If you ask me if we have any bread I will nail your beak to the bar.
The penguin says: Do you have any nails?
Bartender says: No, this is a bar, we serve beer.
Penguin: Do you have any bread?
29. Why are penguins so difficult to get along with?
Because they’re always fishing for compliments.
30. How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together!
31. What do you call a penguin in the desert?
32. How do penguins drink their Coca-Cola?
On the rocks.
33. What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A penguin in a revolving door.
34. Why do two penguins in a nest always agree?
Because they don’t want to fall out.
35. Who is King Penguin’s wife?
36. What do penguins do to become good at something?
37. What do penguins wear on their head?
38. What is a penguin’s favorite Mexican food?
39. Who is a penguin’s favorite pop star?
40. What did Morgan Freeman have to say when a bunch of penguins told him that they thought he was a great narrator in March of the Penguins?
“What was I doing narrating if Penguins are able to speak?”
41. What’s black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
42. What do penguins catch at night?
43. Why wouldn’t one penguin speak to the other penguin?
He was giving him the cold shoulder.
44. Which side of the penguin has the most feathers?
45. What do penguins sing on a birthday?
“Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.”
46. A man in a movie theatre notices what looks like a penguin sitting next to him.
“Are you a penguin?” asks the man, surprised.
“Yes,” says the penguin.
“What are you doing at the movies?” he asks.
“Well,” replies the penguin, “I really liked the book.”
47. Why shouldn’t you write a book on penguins?
Because writing a book on paper is much easier!
48. When I meet new people, I always talk about my giant pet penguin…
It’s a good icebreaker.
49. Why do polar bears and penguins not get along?
Because they are polar opposites.
50. Why don’t you ever see penguins in Great Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales!
51. What do evil penguins lay?
52. A police officer pulls over a man driving a bus over and walks on up to the side windows and he sees 20 penguins in there.
The officer questions the man “Sir, are these your penguins?”
The man replies “Yep, they are my pet penguins”
The officer then says “Sir, I am going to need you to take those penguins to the zoo immediately!”
The man says “Okay” to the officer and he drives off towards the zoo.
The following day the officer pulls over the same bus and is shocked to see the same 20 penguins inside all wearing sunglasses.
The officer looks sternly at the driver and says “I thought I ordered you to take these penguins to the zoo?”
The man replies “I did, and today we are all going to the beach!”
53. Why didn’t the penguin jump off the iceberg?
He got cold feet.
54. Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots.
55. How did the penguin pass its driving test?
It winged it!
56. Why do penguins wear glasses?
To help their ice-sight.
57. What do penguins drink in the summer?
58. What is a penguin’s favorite movie?
59. What shoes do penguins wear in the summer?
60. A penguin walks into a bar…
The bartender looks up and says, “Hey, listen, these things don’t fly around here.”
61. How does a penguin cook burgers?
With his flippers.
62. Why do penguins always carry fish in their beaks?
They don’t have any pockets!
63. What do penguins wear on their feet at nighttime?
64. What is black and white and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin!
65. What are the oldest animals?
Zebras and Penguins because they’re in black and white.
66. A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
67. How do Penguins finish a race?
68. Can a penguin fly?
No, but a toucan.
69. When visiting England, what do nuclear scientists penguins eat?
70. What’s a penguin’s favourite pasta?
71. What’s a penguin’s favourite place to swim?
The South Pool.
72. I used to love telling jokes about penguins and ostriches
But it turns out they don’t really fly around here
73. Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?
Because it was a Wayne-y day.
74. A penguin goes into a pub and says to the barman “Have you seen my brother?”
The barman says “What does look like?”
75. An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk into a bar
It’s at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my beer.
76. Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?
In the arctic section.
77. Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?
They can’t get the wrappers off them…
78. A penguin walks into an airport…
A flight attendant stops him and says “Penguins can’t fly.”
79. Why did the penguin cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken
80. What did the penguin say after it finished shopping?
Put it on my bill
81. What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
82. Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide
83. Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
84. How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
85. What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
86. What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
87. What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
88. What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
89. What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
90. What birds like to write?
91. Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy
92. I recently had a polar bear then a penguin turning up at my house trying to sell me things.
Not sure where all these cold callers are coming from.
93. I saw an emperor penguin wearing a toga.
Think it was Julius Freezer.
94. I had a cup of coffee with a penguin yesterday.
He said he would have preferred a fish.
95. Why are penguins so good at using the internet?
Because they have web feet!
96. How do penguins know when there’s something wrong?
It smells a bit fishy.
97. What do penguins drive?
98. Have you ever heard of the Fight of the Penguins?
Well, it’s a whale of a tale.
99. What does a penguin eat for breakfast?
100. What’s even smarter than a talking Penguin?
A spelling bee!
Hope your face didn’t freeze into a permanent smile (which wouldn’t be so bad) reading those.
You will never think of penguins the same and, when you’re at the zoo, you could try telling a couple of the jokes to your black and white feathered friends.
We would love to know which jokes were your favourite.